Legendary Hollywood producer Sam Strange lets you in on his interpretation of female empowerment.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is actually three films about a female superhero who falls in love with a less intelligent and effective older man while the two solve crimes together. I made it because this has always been my number one fantasy, and I believe films exist to unlock the human potential locked within all fantasies, even the really dirty ones that make you look like a pervert.

The first film is actually two films, so we'll have to take them both in turn. The first half of the first film is actually two films about this guy named Craig Daniels, so we'll have to take those in turn as well.

Daniels is a journalist who has just been professionally discredited and financially ruined due to some bad info on his nemesis, business tycoon Heinz V. Worcestershire. Daniels believes he may have been slipped this bad info by Worcestershire himself, but he's also partially to blame because he gets all his info from a TV in the coffee shop near his office.

Craig Daniels is sleeping with his boss, and they're like boyfriend/girlfriend even though she actually has a husband. Even though they're both in their fifties, they're still very attractive. Daniels' body is so hot, in fact, that he wears black underwear so small and tight that they give him a coin-slot.

Anyway, the first half of the first film is all about how ruined he is by this whole Heinz V. Worcestershire thing. After half and hour of this, we're finally ready to move into this half of the film's second half.

Some old guy on some old island in some old country where it's always snowing wants Craig Daniels to investigate the forty year old murder of his niece. In return, he promises to give him real info that will wipe out Heinz V. Worcestershire and exonerate his name. To cast the man under immediate suspicion, he's played by Christopher Plummer. To really hit it home, Plummer's lawyer is played by the bad guy from Beverly Hills Cop and Rambo 2. Also, his nurse is Nurse Ratchet, and his cook is that cook from The Hunt for Red October.

So Craig Daniels moves into a little shack on the island and begins going through everything he can related to the case. After making one of those posters with everyone's picture on it and looking at it for a few weeks, he finds himself completely stumped and decides he needs someone smarter than him to do the work on his behalf.

With this discovery we enter the second half of the first movie, in which we finally meet The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. She has a lot of other tattoos, too, but the dragon is a back thing in full-color and was was obviously the most expensive.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a very special girl indeed, and the remainder of this film is spent introducing you to her and her wild ways. Let's start at the top. Her hair is black and looks kind of like a "Moe" bowl cut administered by children. Let's go a little lower. She has no eyebrows. A little lower than that, black makeup is smeared all around her eyes. Lower still, she has piercings all over her nose and lips. Even lower: luscious yet perky T&A. The head is hers. The rest is for YOU.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo once tried to kill her father (he tried to rape her little sister, The Girl with the Pearl Earring), so now she's a ward of the state. This means her activities are monitored, and if they don't please her social caseworker, she can be sent to an asylum. This makes her highly susceptible to ass-rape. I'll give you a for instance. In the film, she gets ass-raped.

Keep in mind, this is an extremely liberated woman. Anal sex is nothing new to her. She's just never played catcher before.

Fortunately, she's a superhero, so if anyone tries to ass-rape her, she can fuck him up in all kinds of different ways. I'll give you a for instance. To get revenge on the ass-rapist, she reveals that she video taped the whole thing (entrapment!) then shoves a pole up the dude's ass and tattoos "I'm a rapict, er...rapist, rather" on his chest. Then she has sex with him.

Professionally, she's an investigator, and a really good one too thanks to her stellar hacking abilities and photographic memory. She's also a master of disguise and international finance. And like Batman, she can be a real asshole.

So now that we know Craig Daniels, and now that we know The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, it's time for this film to end just as the two finally meet up and decide to solve this dead girl case together. At this point, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo becomes The Girl who Played with Fire.

So the Girl who Played with Fire arrives at Craig Daniels' little cottage on Evil Island. After about two days of snooping around, she figures out what happened to the girl. To reward herself, she has sex with Craig Daniel. Like with many women, The Girl who Played with Fire's lesbianism goes right out the window as soon as she meets a guy who lets her see his coin-slot.

To highlight her superiority to Craig Daniels, their sex is a bit different than normal. She rides him until climax and then rolls over to go to sleep, leaving him to ponder the plight of womankind throughout all of history. The lesson hurts, but it will make him a better man. Or a better gay man.

Now that they know who killed the girl, people on Evil Island begin shooting at them and leaving dead cats on their doorstep. Eventually they kill the killer and find the missing girl's body, along with the bodies of many other women, submerged in crude oil.

(This crude oil is important because it a core component of the 2nd film's groundbreaking opening credit sequence. The story about that is, I made this crude oil-soaked music video for Industrialist Hip-Hop artist Oyel Slicxs, but he turned it down. Instead of just shoving it into the beginning of the film for no reason, I just made crude oil a plot point of the film's climax.)

So now the case is solved. You'd think this story would be over, but you'd be wrong because now The Girl who Played with Fire is in love with Craig Daniels. We now enter the third film where she finally becomes The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest.

Back in civilization, Craig Daniel still wants to be friends with The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, but doesn't want to continue having sex with her. For one, he's already got a girlfriend. He's also increasingly uncomfortable with mixing sex with his and her clear Father/Daughter dynamic. But more than anything, he misses orgasms and is tired of The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest constant insistence that she finish in his mouth.

For the first time in her life, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest lacks ultimate power in a relationship. Instead of cutting her losses like, say a Sex and the City character, she hangs on and tries to win his heart, like a character from The Bachelor.

So for this whole movie, The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest dresses up like a pretty girl and travels the globe as a spy working to take down Heinz V. Worcestershire's empire from within. Once this is completed, she goes back to her man, but doesn't tell him what she did. And since the TV at his coffee shop doesn't tell him either, he never figures out what she did for him. She's really sad about it, and like Sampson without his hair, her hacking abilities and photographic memory begins to recede until she is just another girl looking for love in a hard and lonely world. It's a really heartbreaking finale.

(three stars)