This week in fake movie news...
*An ad was released this week which featured Megan Fox and some guy searching the world for an elusive man. They finally find him deep in the butt-hole of Asia, alone and unkempt. When he turns to the camera, we see that it's Billy Crystal. He tells them, "You could have just texted me," and then smiles.
We here are Fake Movie News are all trained smileologists, and we would not like to translate that smile for you in full. The smile says this:
"Yes, yes. The last couple Oscar telecasts have been rough. But you found me, and so yes, I'll do it. I'll save the Oscars. You know who I am. I'm funny! I was in The Princess Bride, your mom's favorite movie. I was also in City Slickers, your dad's favorite movie. Look me up on the... or text it! Yeah, that's what it's called! Text the Internet for me. I used to host the Oscars every year. I'm really good friends with Robin Williams and Whoopie Goldberg.
"Tell you what, now that you found me, I might just save all of comedy while I'm on town. I've got a great idea for a movie where a grandpa discovers that all his grandchildren disrespect everything they should be thankful for, so he sends them to a boot camp run by a rude and crude fat black woman. Eh? Eh? You're welcome in advance. You wanna see what I can do now? You wanna see a joke? Sure, have a look at this:
"That's right. Robin Williams is using my tie for a mustache, and I'm all like 'I can't believe this gorilla is using my tie for a mustache!' Do you see the way my face looks? Do you see the way my face looks?
"And by the way, you look mahvaless!"
*Batnews! In an effort to waylay fears that Bane will be indecipherable in The Dark Knight Rises, Warner Bros. executives have promised to fix the issue by hiring a professional to re-dub all his lines. Immediately the Nerd Internet grew enraged and threatened to riot www.quietdowntownarea.com. This went on until the man hired to do the voice over was revealed to be Billy Crystal. After that, they calmed down and accepted this new voice for Bane.
*The live-action Akira remake has hit yet another bump in the road. Productions offices for the film were shut down and all employees were fired, so the chances of it picking up steam again are low. Oddly, this time the film's disruption had nothing to do with its budget. Instead, Billy Crystal read the script and didn't see what was funny about it. After that it was over.
*In a similar story, news came out this week that a Bridesmaids 2 is in the works, but not without star Kristen Wiig. Apparently the SNL actress was a bit too potty-mouthed for Billy Crystal's taste. But he likes the fat girl.
*For about five minutes this week, Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch was starring in the next Star Trek film, likely as a villain. But then Billy Crystal took one look at him and said, "No, no. The other Sherlock. The gay one with the robot outfit. Did you know I played a gay guy in Soap?" A disappointed Cumberbatch was then led to his car, which exploded directly after turning over the ignition.
*Kevin Smith's Hit Somebody went from being two films to zero films this week. And if anyone knows Smith's whereabouts, it is imperative they contact Scott Mosier immediately.
*Spike Lee's remake of Oldboy has pushed back its start day from March to July, not because anything is wrong with the movie, Lee says, but "because something evil has come to this town. Something old and thought long dead has returned. And if we don't do something, our art will forever stand vulnerable to attack and manipulation. This cause affects us all, and it is far more important than my little film."
In response, Crystal smiled, "Who's Spike Lee? Did I ever do a parody song about him?"
*Spike Lee is dead.
*Jeremy Renner's take on the Bourne franchise, set to be released in seven months, also shut down production. When asked for a comment, Renner hacked the interviewer to death with an ax and swiftly disappeared into shadow soon after.
*Mark Wahlberg has a lot on his plate this week. For one, he's trying to decide whether or not to do Michael Bay's Pain and Gain. On top of that, he also has Entourage and a sequel to The Fighter directed by Yakoff Smirnoff to consider. As one of the last pegs to choose a side in the war, Wahlberg's choices this week carry much more weight than normal.
*THIS JUST IN! A man with an ax swang into Wahlberg's penthouse, hacking all his guards to death. Our man on the ground says the assailant looked like Nathan Fillion but with bee stings.
*THIS JUST IN! Mark Wahlberg is dead. His brother, Donnie, has reportedly just switched to the Billy Crystal side out of disgust. Fearing a spy, they put a necktie around his neck and tightened it until his head popped off. A video showing the murder has just been released. It features Crystal and pal Christopher Guest standing on either side of the carnage repeating, "Boy I hate when that happens."
*Whoa! We did not see this coming! Zack Galifinakicantoppotomus has just exited the Academy Award building carrying Billy Crystal's head on a pike. Word is that Zack infiltrated the club thanks to his relative obscurity and weight. Bruce Vilanch and Robin Williams both vouched for him, though it's coming out now that Robin Williams had been a double agent all along, hence the beard. Bruce Vilanch is also no longer with us.
* So that's it. It's all over now and we can go back to not knowing who Billy Crystal is. For those who perished, your name, life span, and a clip from your most populist, low-brow film will be included in this year's Oscar telecast, hosted by Seth Green, Seth Rogen, Joe Rogan, and Betty White.