Sam Strange Remembers: THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE

Marriage is a cherished, beautiful thing. But I don't know how people who aren't lucky enough to live on a movie set nine months a year can stand it. My wives are amazing, truly they are. I live for them, truly I do. They make my world go round, truly. It's just that if I see them for more than two days in a row I'm ready to pull either an OJ or an Elliott Smith. And I'm pretty sure they're equally on the verge of pulling a Phil Hartman('s wife).

So I made The Time Traveler's Wife to try and teach America that taking time apart is good for a marriage. And if it's the guy who gets to go away and run around naked while the wife sits at home waiting, even better.

The Time Traveler is a guy who can't afford much of a personality because every time he even tries to take a dump he gets whisked away to a random different time. It's been going on ever since he was six years old and bumped his head in the car accident that killed his mom. Whatever he's doing, he'll randomly just disappear and show up again sometime else with no clothes on. I had to hire a really hot guy because audiences would be forced to see his ass a lot.

Just like in real life, time traveling is a genetic disorder. A lot of smartasses watching at home probably wonder, if it's genetic then why can't his mom or dad do it? Well, Wiseguy, his mom and dad can do it, but while in their womb he time traveled to the womb of a barren opera singer. Who's his real mom, then? Why, his daughter of course (more on her further along the infinity).

Because he pops up naked all the time, the Time Traveler has developed a lot of skills. He can run fast, kick ass, and pick locks just like an action hero, except most action heroes probably couldn't pull that off with their dong flapping all over the place. Whenever he shows up in a new time, he has to get new clothes right away. Sometimes the clothes look too feminine, and people want to fight him, so he has to defend himself. It's okay because he learned kung fu from Bruce Lee. Who taught Bruce Lee kung fu? Why, the Time Traveler of course. He knew his young self would need it.

The young Time Traveler basically has his whole life planned out by the old Time Traveler. For instance, this girl becomes the love of his life, so the old Time Traveler knows he needs to hook that up. To do this, he visits the girl when she's a baby and begins brainwashing her to love him at an early age. This way, when she finally meets him for the first time in his life, he doesn't need to go through all that bullshit meet-cute stuff most guys have to deal with. They go out for a perfunctory dinner, and she gets him into bed as fast as humanly possible. Once they're finished, he totally disappears because he gets a hankering for some hotdogs at 1970s prices. She doesn't care too much because, for the first time in her life, she wasn't having sex with a forty year old.

Whenever he leaves, she's still there, so they're pretty much boyfriend girlfriend now. She doesn't have much of a personality because she's been training her whole life to be the Time Traveler's Wife, but she does slowly begin to realize that everything she loves about old Time Traveler is magnified ten-fold in the young Time Traveler. Her love and lust is so high that literally nothing he does makes her angry. She's just there, no matter when he is.

But it's slightly disappointing when young him disappears just before their wedding, only to be replaced at the last moment with old him. Things look up on their honeymoon because it's young him again. But while they're jumping on their bed like pre-pubescent lesbians he disappears. She orders pizza and watches TV alone.

Married life is more difficult than she expected, but she tries to make it work. It's hard that he always seems to leave when things get tough, but that's how it goes. It's weird when she catches him having sex with himself, but that's the kind of thing she signed up for. It seems curious that sometimes almost sounds Australian, but who is she to judge? She doesn't even have a first name.

After years of this, however, things begin to take their toll. Sitting around waiting for her Time Traveling man to return makes her long for a child to keep her company. Unfortunately, each kid she gets started on time travels out of her tummy as soon as they can, becoming a wet clump spattered on some poor sap's windshield, or splashing into some poor bastard's cereal. Or landing in China, where peasants dive over it to ascertain whether it's a boy or a girl and eating it slower if it's a boy.

On top of that, once her looks start to go, it dawns on her that he's not around because he's off having sex with young her. On the other hand, young him keeps showing up because old her is a lot better at sex. And so they are both having affairs with themselves at different ages. In fact, one of these young hims actually manages to knock her up with a keeper, even after old him went and had a secret vasectomy.

The kid they have brings them back together as a family. As soon as she's born, an older version of her starts hanging out with them all the time. They pretty much just let her take care of the baby while they rekindle their love affair.

But, sadly, he gets shot and dies.  He still keeps coming after that, but no one knows when his last visit was/will be, so the goodbyes are always really teary and awkward. Then one day, he never comes back again. Except for one other day. That's the one. That's the last day. It's kind of a relief for everyone involved.

(three stars)