Fake Movie News: PG-13 Edition
This week in fake movie news...
*Batnews! It came out this week that the previously secret role played by child actress Joey King will be Talia al Ghul. While that all by itself would not have been newsworthy, the devil is in the details on this one. Despite sharing names with Ra's al Ghul, this girl will actually be Batman and Catwoman's daughter. And that's not all, we've also learned that both Catwoman and Alfred have been training this character behind Batman's back to be the first Robin. Fanboys, normally so vocal about their beloved franchises, retaliated by silently shutting down Megaupload, giving Hollywood an unmistakable message of unanimous approval.
*A rare and highly sought-after photo surfaced this week of a thirteen year old Johnny Depp mere moments after losing his virginity:
*At long last, George Lucas' people forgot to set the parental lock on their computers and he finally found out what people on the Internet really think of him. As a result, his tender heart claims that he is now retired from film forever. Though, if he truly was the stubborn asshole everyone says he is, he would have attacked with more Star Wars films, so maybe he wasn't so bad after all.
*Arnold Swschwartzzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Sylvester Stallone collectively came out of the closet this week as filmmakers who will no longer make R-rated films and announced that The Expendables 2 will be PG-13 so kids who have no idea who they are can see the film. Since the announcement, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, and Jean Claude Van Damme have all asked to be digitally removed from the film as looking like a bunch of pussies could be really bad for their career.
*The very expensive practical joke the Internet is playing on Vin Diesel continues unabated. He still thinks he's starring in a new Riddick movie. The project has now moved into its fake production phase in which Vin Diesel unknowingly begins shooting on a mock movie set with film-less cameras. For some early lols, Reddit users uploaded a photo of Vin dressed as King Riddick in gear made by the film's "costume department" (Canadian LARPers):
No word yet on how far this joke intends to go, but we'll keep you posted on any new developments.
*Brian Singer's Jack the Giant Killer was unexpectedly stricken from this year's Warner Bros. summer schedule when the film was suddenly murdered by a giant.
*Celebrated author Cormac McCarthy has sold a spec script to Hollywood entitled Easter Sunday. The film will reportedly follow the triumphs and dramas of 20-30 loosely related characters over Easter weekend as they deal with their various romantic relationships. Gary Marshall is expected to direct. Failing that, Rob Reiner has also displayed interest in the high profile project.
*Patrons at a movie theatre in the U.K. demanded their money back when their showing of The Artist was mistakenly exhibited without a dialogue audio track.
*Historians announced this week that the search for a descendant of the real horse depicted in the film War Horse actually ended several months ago, but they didn't announce the findings because they were too embarrassed to admit that the heroic horse's legacy now rest within the gonads of a mule. But on the bright side, they found the mule in Iran.
*THE FAKE MOVIE NEWS HAYWIRE REVIEW
Hey I saw Haywire this weekend. Don't waste your money on this garbage. I can tell you everything you need to know right now. First off, the chick is not hot, and she looks mad all the time. Clearly she's a lezbo and therefore this is a chick flick. Number two, this is supposed to be a female revenge flick, but it's totally not because she never once gets raped. Third, the fight scenes are boring as fuck. It looked like something from the 1920s or something they moved so slow. Also, there's no slo-mo. What the fuck is this? The 1920s? There's no boobs or anything. Hey, Hollywood! Stop making movies like it's the 1920s!
So, to reiterate:
1. Lesbian not hot.
2. No rape.
3. Looks like the 1920s.
Haywire? More like lame-wire.
Arizona correction officers laid to rest the body of H.I. McDunnough, after the unrepentant repeat offender died of cancer in a prison hospital.
H.I. returned to a life of crime after his wife left him for another man. It took many years for H.I. to accept the break up due to a specific vision he'd once seen of a future featuring himself and his wife surrounded by their many children and grandchildren. It wasn't until she started having the other man's babies that he realized the vision was not of his future, but hers alone.
After that, H.I. went on a one-stop crime spree with cohorts Gail and Evelle Snoats. The three were apprehended while robbing a Piggly Wiggly on August 14th 1989. Two years later, H.I. was out again, but not for long.
H.I. made a break for the straight life briefly in the early 2000s, but soon began his battle with the disease that ultimately took his life. With no health insurance to battle his illness, H.I. decided he'd be better off with prison doctors and killed the man who stole his wife to ensure he stayed in prison long enough to get the treatment he required.
H.I. beat the cancer repeatedly but it continued to rebound and hound him. It was a horrible cancer. A lone cancer of apocalypse. A cancer with all the powers of Hell at its command. It could turn the day into night and lay waste to everything in its path. It was especially hard on the little things - the helpless and gentle parts of H.I. It left a scorched earth in its wake befouling even the sweet desert breeze that whipped across H.I.'s brow. H.I. didn't know where it came from or why. But he feared that he himself had unleashed it.
Anyway, it killed him.
Also in Memoriam: