This week in fake movie news...
*DC Comics movie studio has made a bold move to take the Watchman property out of creator Zack Snyder's hands for a series of prequel films. Bryan Singer will direct. If not Singer, then Joe Johnson.
As an effort towards Marvel-esque movie universe building, V from V for Vendetta will also appear in the films, but because he will be younger, he'll instead be known as W for Winn Dixie.
*A 2-minute long sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off will debut on television this Sunday during the Super Football Show. Like most sequels these days, it's pretty much a carbon copy of the original, minus all pathos. (four stars)
*The Super Bowl will also feature an early version of The Avengers shown in its entirety in two minute chunks, each one costing over four million dollars. So please don't torrent the film when it comes out.
*Filmmaker Gareth Evans has announced that his new film, The Raid, is actually the first part of a trilogy. Part two will take place in that tower in Dubai. For part three, he will build an even bigger tower and it will take place there. After that, he will make a prequel that takes place in a lighthouse. After that, yet another prequel, probably at a McDonalds. If he has the funding, he says he'd like to do just one more prequel after that, hopefully in an underground bunker.
*This week Russell Crowe was in the news a lot. He's going to be in a RoboCop remake, Darren Aronofsky's Noah movie, and some movie directed by Akiva Goldsman. The bad news is that each of these roles were all offered to Liam Neeson, then Gerard Butler, then Charlton Heston first.
*Adam Sandler will being starring in a movie based on Candy Land.
*Nicholas Cage wants to make a sequel to The Wicker Man set in Japan where his character is now a ghost.
*Eugene Levy will be in the new Tyler Perry Madea movie where Madea takes on Wall Street Fatcats.
*Twilight's Taylor Lautner has been fired from the upcoming Stretch Armstrong movie after strong fan outcry that Stretch Armstrong has blonde hair and isn't supposed to look like a retarded pig.
*There will be another Death Wish remake coming out soon. This one distinguishes itself by being the only Death Wish remake so far to actually be called Death Wish. Ironically, it also looks to be the biggest departure from the original, as it will be about a guy who goes into the ghetto wearing nothing but a sandwich board stating: "I hate niggers."
*Matthew Vaughn has signed on for a sequel to this summer's X-Men: First Class even though he went out of his way to end that film by destroying every thing people might want to come back for.
*We at Fake Movie News were honored to have a sit-down with Presidential Candidate Fake Mitt Romney to discuss the presidential candidate's takes on this year's Academy Award nominees for Best Picture.
FAKE MITT ON THE ARTIST:
"It's remarkable to see Hollywood willing to go back in time like this to rediscover what was so magical about those early films where filmmakers were forced to illicit emotional responses without use of sound and modern editing techniques. It's not the most exciting movie in the world, and I can't say I cared for it myself, but I loved the dog and thought the movie was really great. Hands down, the best of the year."
FAKE MITT ON WAR HORSE:
"Oh of course, I loved War Horse. Hands down, the best of the year. You know, it's remarkable to see Hollywood willing to go back in time like this to rediscover what was so magical about those earlier films, a statement my record of talking about films will totally back up. It's a great film about a horse. I hated seeing those poor soldiers, though. No, I don't feel I need to elaborate on that last statement at all."
FAKE MITT ON THE DESCENDANTS:
"People say all the time that I look a bit like George Clooney. I believe they mean it as a compliment. I don't think we look the same, really. I feel, if I may be so bold, that I resemble more of a Warren Beatty, to be quite honest. Both actors, I love immensely. They do great work in great films, and both own their own production companies, and are therefore job creators, which I support. Their leftish politics, however, is destroying this county, and I don't feel they're patriots. I didn't see The Descendants, but I'm sure it's just breathtaking."
FAKE MITT ON TREE OF LIFE:
"Obviously, I didn't enjoy Tree of Life for religious reasons. For one, as a Mormon I was uncomfortable with its deeply ingrained Christian message. Furthermore, as a non-scientist, its anti-creationism depiction of the Earth's formation rubbed me the wrong way. You can be Christian, and you can be a scientist, but to be both and neither is just too much. Having said that, Brad Pitt's character made me wish I had this film to set an example for the Latino I hired to raise my boys. Hands down, the best of the year."
FAKE MITT ON EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE:
"Stephen King (a famous resident of Massachusetts) once told me that adverbs kill good writing. Maybe the title of this movie will change his mind. This incredible document about the extremely situation of 9-11 teaches us all that we should never let this happen again. And it wouldn't have happened in the first place had Obama not been asleep at the wheel. Furthermore, Tom Hanks is a national treasure. My wife tells me this film was not very good, but I'm willing to side with the Academy on this one. I personally refuse to watch films about 9-11 because it breaks my heart to think of all the good people we lost that day, both human and corporate."
FAKE MITT ON HUGO:
"Overrated, and probably the greatest film of Martin Scorcese's career. I wasn't able to see it in 3D because the torrent I downloaded did not offer that feature."
FAKE MITT ON MONEYBALL:
"As an American, baseball is obviously near and dear to my heart. When you combine it with money, you've got a sure-fire recipe for big-time Mitt-Lovin. But it's not just money, it's Saber-nomics, a kind of nomics that adds both swords and long-tooth tigers. Now that's my kind of nomics. I'm already so in love with Moneyball that I don't even need to see it. Hands-down the best of the year."
FAKE MITT ON THE HELP:
"It's nice to see that American Africans are finally getting some credit for all the good work they do. Some of them. I responded a lot to the white tragedy about the poor lady who gets black human feces baked into her pie. The audience I saw this with laughed and clapped at that point. That's when I knew I'd accidentally gone to a liberal theater and that The Help was a liberal cult-classic type of film. I found it incredibly distasteful. Not the film. I mean it was distasteful the time my maid staff pooped in my food."
FAKE MITT ON MIDNIGHT IN PARIS:
"Jesus fucking Christ. How many goddamn fucking movies do they do at this fucking thing? I hate to use swear words, but don't you think I have anything better to fucking do? Fuck you. And your mother. Romney out."