This week in fake movie news...
* The Killing's Joel Kinnaman has been nominated for a "You are the next Robocop" award. No word yet on whether or not Kinnaman plans to accept the prize. Robocop fans are worried about the choice. While they're fine with his relative obscurity as an actor, many fear they won't be able to handle consuming a tablespoon of him without throwing up.
*Warner Bros. had decided that they no longer want to make Sylvester Stallone and Walter Hill's Bullet to the Head. Upon realizing that it's too late since the movie is already made, they've decided to not release it.
According to the press release written out in letters cut from magazines, Bullet to the Head will be seen in theaters just as soon as an R-Rated Expendables 2 is seen in theaters. The exact words were: "A pussy on 'roids is still a pussy. We're Warner Brothers, and we don't work with dumb assholes." Moments after having the letter published in Variety, Warner Brothers was awarded an Academy Award for "Best Sticking of It to Sylvester Stallone."
*After a lot of back and forth, the Academy has announced that Adam Sandler will be allowed to secretly attend the Academy Awards this year dressed as his General Aladeen character from his upcoming film The Dictator. Their concern was that Californians immigrated from war torn Middle Eastern countries would see the largely unprotected Aladeen as an opportunity to take revenge for the deaths of so many loved ones. Sandler's dedicated performance only makes an assassination attempt more likely. To solve the issue, Aladeen will be escorted into the premises by Sylvester Stallone.
*BREAKING NEWS! Adam Sandler is dead. We have word that some strategically placed camels rerouted Sandler's Limousine into an alley where he was promptly pulled from the car and stoned to death.
The Academy has already put together a memorial program to be hosted by David Spade. They have also prepared an honorary Oscar in his memory and will present it to his sister and recent co-star, Jill.
*J.K. Rowling has already sold the movie rights to her mysterious upcoming novel, which is supposedly being written for adults. Rowling smiled as she signed the rights over, and as soon as her lawyer gave her the go-ahead, revealed that the novel is all about dogs fucking cats.
*Die Hard 5 has finally found a son for John McClain. His name is Jai Courtney. Though he's largely an unknown, 20th Century Fox has reassured fans that he is totally lame enough to be in the next Die Hard film: He's a Christian who refuses to swear. His favorite band is DC Talk. His favorite Lord of the Rings film is the animated Return of the King. He thinks Transformers 3 is the greatest action film ever made. And he's a virgin who hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in his life. He should fit right in.
*Because sequels always make more than originals these days, the American release of The Raid will now have the title The Raid: Redemption in an attempt to trick people into thinking it's a sequel to a movie they saw but forgot about just like they do with all movies they see. Studio insiders are referring to this marketing move as a "Leonard: Pt. 6."
We at fake movie news have received early Oscar results and would like to share them now. SPOILERS!
Best Actress: Meryl Streep and Glenn Close
Best Supporting Actress: The Ladies from The Help
Best Actor: George Clooney
Best Foreign Actor: The French Guy
Best Cartoon: Cars 2
Best Screenplay: The Descendants
Best Director: Hugo
Best Picture: The Help, The Artist, The Descendants, and Hugo
There will also be an honorary lifetime achievement Oscar awarded to Jim Belushi.
Uggie the dog, famous for being the sole likable element of The Artist, died last week. He is now in Showbiz Dog Heaven.
Most tragically, his passing did not have to happen. When his down on his luck owner shot himself in the head, Uggie did what he always did at the sound of gunfire. He pretended to die. But with no one around to give him the command to rise, Uggie could not feed himself or drink any water. After only two days, his small body succumbed to dehydration.
Uggie was ready to take the movie world by storm. He had landed sizable roles in both The Avengers and as a love interest in the upcoming James Bond film, Skyfall. Like James Dean, Uggie was taken from us before we ever saw the extend of his talents. It's just sad.
As a form of revenge, Uggie's owner has been posthumously baptized by Mormons. Uggie has been stuffed and will be placed in The Smithsonian for as long as people still consider The Artist a film worth revisiting. So you'd better go see him soon.