Sam Strange Remembers: FEMME FATALE

A lot of people assume that just because I'm rich, ugly, and have powerful friends, I'm a social conservative. That couldn't be further from the truth. Instead, I like to think of myself as a social conservative from maybe 200 years into the future, when we're robots and shit's all figured out.

I'll explain what that means. See, I hate women. Let's get that out of the way right off the bat. I think they're crazy and mean and much too difficult to please sexually. Men, on the other hand are powerful and level headed and awesome. Or they would be without ladies. Unfortunately, females have a sexual power over men that actually make them weaker than women. This is why we have wars and bar fights and Steven Seagal films. So before you call me a misogynist, please keep in mind that I'm also whatever the opposite of a misogynist might be called if such a thing existed.

So, for those who aren't already ahead of me here, 200 years into the future social conservative robots will add every episode of Moonlighting to every action movie that wastes time on perfunctory romances while subtracting every episode of Glee to logically deduce that the most perfect possible human being is the Gay Male.

To illustrate the dangers of heterosexuality, I made Femme Fatale, a film about the vagina's power to degrade the entire human race. It's also mostly a dream sequence. Maybe even two dream sequences. If you think needing dream logic to make points negates the integrity of a message, you obviously haven't spent enough time arguing with social conservatives.

So Femme Fatale is a blond lady who likes to steal from people. As the film begins, she and a couple french guys have a plan to steal an actress' diamond snake dress at a movie premier. It's not really a dress, though. It's a naked woman wrapped several times in a very thin piece of metal that only covers her nipples so long as you don't look at from the side. As a result, the dress can part crowds better than Moses' staff because anyone who stands directly in front of her is a sucker.

Before this actress goes into the theater, Femme Fatale approaches her and whispers something in her ear, enticing the actress to immediately abandon her male date and head to the bathroom for some hot lesbian sex. Whatever two or three words Femme Fatale whispered must have been pretty goddamn smooth to get a famous actress of considerable elegance to just agree to sex. (Watch the film with subtitles and you'll discover she just says, "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper" really fast three times, which in the lesbian world is like whipping out the biggest dick ever.)

Lesbian sex is a strange thing. As we see in the film, a skilled lesbian can bring another lesbian to orgasm without even touching her lower half. Femme Fatale has this actress writhing against a stall wall simply by kissing her neck and touching her arms. As they're making out, Femme Fatale begins undressing the actress even though she's pretty much naked already. Whenever a new piece of her diamond outfit hits the pee-stained floor, the main thief steals it and replaces it with a fake. Once they have it all, Femme Fatale abruptly halts the sex before it's really finished, and the actress doesn't seem to mind that both homo and hetero humping end the same way.

Unfortunately, a guard comes into the bathroom and the main thief must kill him. He also moves to kill the actress, but Femme Fatale saves her life by kicking him. She then steals the diamonds. He vows to someday get revenge. But then she shows him her vagina and he suddenly begs her forgiveness and gives her his wallet.

Femme Fatale knows the power of her vagina will diminish with ever step she takes away from the main thief. Super hot or not, she's a lady on the run now. She needs to case the diamonds and get a passport so she can leave France, even though it's kind of the Femme Fatale capitol of the world.

First she visits a lady who can change the diamonds into money. Whoever this lady is, we never see her face and she's wearing a hot designer outfit made entire of army camouflage, which unfortunately doesn't help her when the bad thief finds her later and throws her in front of a dump truck, which hits her then backs over her to see if it hit something. Because of the camouflage, the driver can't see her and drives off, running over her again. She's pretty dead.

Femme Fatale next visits her passport maker, but the main thief is already there waiting for her. He asks where the diamonds are and throws her to her death before she can answer. Femme Fatale falls one hundred stories but lands on a stack of blow up dolls.

So now stuff finally gets weird. Femme Fatale wakes up in a suburban middle-class house and finds that everyone thinks she's some other lady who looks just like her. It just so happens that the other lady has a passport and an airplane ticket to America. So, combined with landing on blow up dolls, that's like three get out of jail free cards in a row. To make matters even better, the real lady comes home and shoots herself in the head, and an army of tiny clowns dismantle and remove her entire body in under five minutes. So, five get out of jail free cards.

Femme Fatale gets on an airplane only to be told that the airline accidentally double sold her seat and must put her in first class. Make that five get out of jail free cards and a free night at Park Place. They seat her next to a single politician played by Peter Coyote. Holy shit. Don't play Monopoly with Femme Fatale.

We jump ahead seven years. Peter Coyote is now the American Ambassador to France, so Femme Fatale must return to a country that wants to kill her. Her chances of remaining anonymous are blown when a hot shot photographer played by Antanda Bandana takes a photograph of her which immediately appears in all the papers and is subsequently blown up and postered all over Paris. Meanwhile, the main thief that killed her just got out of jail for killing her and starts looking for her so he can kill her again. This task goes from impossible to possible as soon as he sees her picture hanging up next to a Cirque De Soleil advert.

Femme Fatale realizes that unless she starts putting her Femme Fatale powers into overdrive she's going to be up shit's creek. So she makes it look like Antanda Bandana kidnapped her. She does this by getting almost naked in front of him and pretending she's about to shoot himself. Maybe it all doesn't add up, but somehow the cops arrest Antanda Bandana in her car with all her clothes and a loaded gun.

But Femme Fatale needs his help, so after scaring him with this display of her strength, she  shows him another by walking naked through the French police station and demanding his release. Of course, the cops acquiesce her demands. The couple hardasses lose their resolve after she blows out a candle with her vagina. She gracefully accepts every police officers' wallet, and she and Antanda Bandana leave the station free and clear.

The game gets tricky for her here because she's already burned Antanda Bandana with her powers once, and getting a guy to line up for round two is no easy task, i.e. she's going to have to actually have sex with him, gross as that sounds. To do that, she must first grab a nasty biker and entice him sexually until he tries to rape her in front of Antanda Bandana. In the minds of all men, women are to be either protected or screwed; the opportunity to do both at the same time is simply too much for any straight male to resist. And once they're finished, she has power over him again.

Or so she thinks. See, Antanda Bandana is a Spaniard living in Paris, which means he's part gay already regardless of who he sleeps with. Little does Femme Fatale know, he's been recording her every word since getting out of the police station, and all her words have been about how she needs his help fake kidnapping her so she can get $10,000,000 from her husband.

So when her husband tries to drop off the $10,000,000, Antanda Bandana starts to warn him, forcing Femme Fatale to abandon her feminine superiority and simply shoot both Antanda Bandana and her husband, two dudes who just wanted to do the right thing. Just then, the main thief finds her. She tries to show him her boobs, but he's on her too fast. Again he asks her where the diamonds are, and again he kills her before she can answer, this time by throwing her off a bridge.

The impact of the water knocks all of Femme Fatale's clothes off and sends her back in time to the moment before the other her shot herself in the head. Realizing that maybe there's another way for all this shit to work out, Femme Fatale tells the other girl not to kill herself and recommends she go to America and marry the Peter Coyote who's just waiting to meet her in first class. The other Femme Fatale thinks that sounds like a good idea. But as she walks to the airport, she takes a different route the real Femme Fatale took and runs into the main thief as a result. He stabs her with a truck. Crouching in the shadows to make sure her plan goes the way she intended, Femme Fatale smiles at a mission well accomplished.

Seven years pass. And Femme Fatale is now living with the camouflage lady who isn't dead anymore because other Femme Fatale took her place in the alternate timeline. In a final twist, we finally get to see the camouflage lady's face and it's yet another Femme Fatale! And they're both dating two different Antanda Bandanas!

Just in case you're confused, I make you watch both timelines over again simultaneously via split screen. When that's over, the main thief arises from a third, still yet explored timeline and throws both Femme Fatales off the Eiffel Tower. One wakes up to find she was the other thief the entire time. The other wakes up to find she was Antanda Bandanas the whole time. And a random fourth Femme Fatale wakes up in the Bates Motel.

This whole film was shot in one take.

(three stars)