The vampire apocalypse is on the horizon, people are dying in the streets and a crew of brainwashed bloodsuckers is turning the planet inside out. But while the show’s supernatural world spins out of control, threatening to alter the lives of every single character, True Blood’s focus has shifted back to the fate of Bon Temps’ most desirable waitress, Miss Sookie Stackhouse.
Sookie’s in trouble, y'all! Whut we gun do?
Sookie’s subplot has been a big snore for most of Season 5, but her story picked up a lil’ steam over the past few weeks as the investigation into her parents’ death grew more and more intriguing. While I’d rather watch True Blood explore the insanity that’s breaking out all over the world as Vampires are forced to feed on humans, I’m not against the show going back to its roots and ending this season with a little Stackhouse family peril.
At the very least, learning that Sookie is in danger will probably bring Bill to his senses and get him working with Eric again to bring down Russell and stop The Authority from taking over the world. This is a good thing! Let’s face it, Brainwashed Bill is lame and Fake Brainwashed Eric is boring. It’s time these two broke out of that dull underground layer and started acting like the badass rebels we want them to be. And if it takes Sookie being in danger AGAIN, then so be it!
This week’s episode, “Gone, Gone, Gone,” kicked off with one of the silliest Vampire stakings we’ve seen in years. Sookie delivered the True Death to creepy Coroner Mike, who somehow turned into a Vampire since we last saw him a few weeks back. I’ll admit to doin’ a lil’ hootin’ and hollerin’ as Mike bared his fangs, knocked Sookie over and ended up becoming a pile of goo after Sookie staked him with her takeout chopsticks. It was a funny scene, and it reminded me of Sookie’s nutty breakdown from earlier in the season. No matter what she does, the Vampires will always be after her, and she’ll always have to deal with it. Being a tasty Vampire treat is Sookie Stackhouse’s burden.
The sly humor kept coming when Sheriff Andy showed up to Sookie’s house. His response to the chopstick staking: “It’s a good thing you didn’t order pizza.”
While Sookie was the star of the night’s silliest scene, it was Jason Stackhouse who stole the entire episode. Jason’s heartbreak about losing his BFF was palpable in his two emotional scenes with Hoyt, aka “Bubba.” Hoyt chose to leave Bon Temps and asked Jessica to ease his pain by erasing his memories of her and Jason. While this seems to have worked out pretty swell for Hoyt, who was on his way to Alaska at the tail end of this episode, Jason and Jessica were left with a Hoyt-shaped hole in their hearts.
Is this the last time we’ll see Hoyt on True Blood? Maybe. I’m not too broken up about the guy’s big exit. The show is already jam packed with too many characters, and letting a few go seems only necessary at this point. Hoyt, we’ll miss you, but we’ll be OK without you.
Hoyt isn’t the only character the show could stand to lose. Staking ninety percent of the Vampire Authority would be a good start. Bill iStaked tech nerd Molly early in this episode, which I suppose was a move in the right direction. But Salome and the rest of her born again crew are still skulking around and quarreling over that damn conference table. It was fun watching Russell rebel against these dullards and revert to his European accent to basically tell them all to fuck off. Russell has been a blast to watch all season; whoever decided to hook him up with Rev. Steve is a genius. Russell reminded the Authority that he was stronger than all of them combined, but sadly he spared their lives and zoomed off into the night in search of some sweet Stackhouse Fairy blood.
Now that Russell has left the compound, who will stop The Authority from taking over the world? The obvious answer is Bill and Eric, but the boys may be a little distracted now with saving Sookie from Russell. My money’s on Sam and Luna. They snuck into the compound in Steve’s bag looking to rescue Emma, and they won’t leave until they find her. After everything we’ve seen this Shifter couple do this season, I’m pretty sure they can take out The Authority without breaking a sweat.
Russell isn’t the only one looking to grab a few pints of Sookie’s blood. The Striptease Fairies translated a 200-year-old scroll Jason found underneath Sookie’s bed, revealing that a Stackhouse ancestor, John William Stackhouse, sold Sookie’s life to Warlow, the big bad that killed her parents. This reveal came pretty late in the season, but it helped bring the focus back to Sookie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We’ve got two crazy Vampires seemingly hankerin’ to spill Sookie’s blood; it won’t be long until Bill and/or Eric come to the rescue.
"Gone, Gone, Gone" will most likely be remembered as the episode where we learned a surprising Stackhouse family secret. But for me, it’ll always be the episode where Tara redeemed herself by killing that annoying as fuck Vampire Sheriff. Who knew the path to redemption was lined with severed heads?