Soon You Can Own Elvis’ Beshitted Underwear

Could you get a DNA sample from The King's skidmarked manpanties? If you win this auction you could find out.

I don't quite know when our culture tipped into complete sickness in regards to celebrities, but surely Elvis Presley is an important figure in the timeline leading up to it. It's hard to remember now, but the post-death cult of Elvis was pretty weird, and that's without even dipping into the 'he faked his death' conspiracy shit.

The cult of Elvis continues, even if it has gotten quieter (I assume a lot of the people who royally freaked out when the King died on the Porcelain Throne have themselves gone to Graceland in the Sky). It has gotten no less weird and creepy, though, as evidenced by an auction happening next month:

A pair of Elvis' sweaty, shit-stained tighty-whiteys are expected to go for £10,000, which I believe is a hundred million American dollars. 

Elvis wore these Fruit of the Looms under one of his sapphire-spangled jumpsuits in 1977; it's possible the skidmarks contained therein are made up of Presley's famous fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. 

The auction will livestream on September 8th, right here. I can't imagine the person who wins this item will do so publically. Right? Nobody would attach their name to the extravagant purchase of a pair of Elvis Presley's beshitted undies, right? 

Oh, Western Civilization, how we weep for you.