Sam Strange Remembers: BELLFLOWER

Discover the shocking origins of the modern GOP. Also: Cool Car!

Now that we have breached the inevitable point in history during which we can finally eulogize the modern Republican party, I think the occasion calls for a brief examination of how the modern Republican party came to be. But thanks to the education level of most modern Republican party voters, one can't just make a documentary about it. One must make a movie filled with fire and tits.

At the same time, I was also thinking about how guys don't have their own chick flicks, movies where everyone sits around crying and falling in love and getting cheated on and stuff like that. These chick flicks are big on close, lady-to-lady relationships but display hateful views of women in general. I figured I could pull that off, easy. Just make the chicks dudes and add fire and tits.

So: Bellflower, a male chick flick dramatizing the origins of the modern Republican party's mentality regarding life and love. I made it for $500,000, half of which went to Lucasfilm, whose technicians sprayed CG dirt all over the camera lenses. Worth every rusted goddamn penny.

Bellflower tells the story of Woodrow and Ziggy from The Wire, two extraordinarily wealthy hipsters living in Los Angeles. With a black man in the White House promising to raise their fathers' taxes, Woodrow and Ziggy spend their days preparing for the oncoming apocalypse. The future model they're going with is that of The Road Warrior (which they keep erroneously referring to as "Mad Max" because they're ignorant). Instead of wanting to be like the quiet but noble Max, they both long to emulate Lord Humungus, a Fascist, murderous, desert pirate who wears a hockey mask and (if his crew is any indication) is probably a homosexual.

Woodrow and Ziggy from The Wire didn't graduate from high school, but they have scoured the Internet learning how to order the pieces required to make a flamethrower, which they affectionately call Bellflower 1. (You may think they called it Medusa, but that's no longer true. After the film was released, I watched the original Clash of the Titans and discovered how freaking cool Medusa was, thus rendering use of her name thematically inappropriate. So now, everything in this movie that once said Medusa is now labeled "Bellflower" according to a CG-augmented special edition release I have yet to find funding for.)

Woodrow and Ziggy from The Wire are united in this pursuit. But that's nothing new. They've been attached to each other since birth, so much so that they're both virgins. Their viselike grip on each other has kept them from even knowing women exist. Woodrow, for instance, just thinks his mom is an extra bubbly man.

That all changes when the two go out to a bar and Woodrow participates in a cricket eating contest against a pretty girl. Woodrow only enters the contest as research into possible apocalyptic food sources. But while he loses Crickets as a menu item (they make him puke. EVERYTHING makes this guy puke), he does gain the interest of this pretty lass. Before Ziggy from The Wire knows it, Woodrow has a girlfriend. Confused, Ziggy from The Wire finds the nearest girl and pretends to have a crush on her.

For their first date, Woodrow and Girl #1 impulsively drive from California to Texas just to condescendingly eat at the nastiest restaurant in America as a laugh. Even when the food makes Woodrow puke, he's still laughing, despite the fact that there are lots of poor Texas people who have no choice but to eat that shit everyday.

Woodrow and Girl #1 start bonding heavily when he reveals to her that his car has a whiskey dispenser. She likes him even more when a random cowboy slaps her ass and Woodrow gets in his face about with a far more earnest invitation to violence than she had him pegged for. He gets his ass kicked, but it's the thought that counts. And she knows she's in love when he impulsively trades his entire fucking car for a piece of shit, barely running motorcycle, which they must now ride across half the country.

So they're in love. She does warn him that she hurts men, but being new to ladies, he does not yet recognize this as code for: "I am a whore."

An unsure amount of time passes. We can tell because Woodrow has gone from a nice, clean cut kid who drinks whiskey shots while driving to an oily metal singer with circus facial hair. Clearly, his increasing dependence on Girl #1 has diminished his manliness and therefore his ability to withstand the coming apocalypse. Meanwhile, Ziggy from The Wire keeps working on the flamethrower and pretending to flirt with Girl #2.

Things come to a head when Woodrow comes home to find Girl #1 fucking some other dude, his first real initiation into male adulthood. It's all been hypothetical fun and games up to this point. Everything depends on what he does next. So he gets on his Mad Max motorcycle and gets hit by a Kia not two blocks from his house.

Now it's time for Ziggy from The Wire to step in. Knowing his friend is bummed out, he tries to cheer him up by buying him a muscle car and turning it into a flameshooting Mad Maxmobile. But instead of caring, Woodrow just starts fucking Girl #2. Now Ziggy from The Wire sees just how far his friend has fallen.

So he comes up with a plan. He pretends Girl #1 came by and asked for all her stuff back. This makes Woodrow really mad, so he gathers her stuff and burns it up in front of her house with the Flamethrower (action scene!). This makes her boyfriend really mad, so he hits the Mad Maxmobile with a bat. This makes Ziggy from The Wire really mad so he hits the boyfriend. This makes the boyfriend dead. This makes Girl #1 mad so she knocks Woodrow out and tattoos his circus facial hair onto his face. This makes Woodrow mad so he rapes Girl #1 with a knife (maybe?). This makes Girl #2 mad so she shoots herself in the head. This makes Woodrow… well, he really doesn't give a shit.

Which is the whole point! By murdering Girl #1 and not caring about Girl #2's suicide, Woodrow has effectively gotten women out of his system completely. We return to an earlier part of the film and discover that this whole turn of events was just an illusion planted in his brain by Ziggy from The Wire to help preserve Woodrow's dignity and ability to withstand the apocalypse. See what playing with women gets you?

So, having finally grown out of their naive adolescence the two of them drive their Mad Maxmobile off to Washington where they can suck each other off in private for all time while the rest of the world burns.

(three stars)