Five Dumb Things To Expect In A Han Solo Movie

Let's peer into the future and guess what sort of on-the-nose, small universe crap will be in STAR WARS: THE YOUNG HAN SOLO ADVENTURES.

Today's news that Disney and Lucasfilm are developing a solo Han Solo Star Wars movie (henceforth known as Solo Han Solo) has brought me down. All my hopes for the next step in Star Wars' growth are dashed. This stuff is going to be cheap, obvious cash-in material. 

With that in mind, here are my five guesses for what awful stuff we'll see in Solo Han Solo. My first guess, which is a meta guess, is that most of the Expanded Universe Solo origin/early years stuff is thrown right out the window.

Han Will Shoot First. We already met young Greedo in The Phantom Menace. He'll show back up in Solo Han Solo, and in their first encounter Young Han will open fire immediately. Greedo will say (subtitled) 'He shot first!' Fandom will implode with shame. 

We Will See The Origins of the Millenium Falcon. No, not just the thrilling card game where Han won the ship from Lando (although that will be in the movie and will be included in some wacky, unexpected way, like Han and Lando are playing cards in Jabba's dungeon or something). We will actually see the Falcon being built. A young Han - four or five years old - will be transfixed by the ship under construction.... ALMOST AS IF IT'S HIS DESTINY.

We'll Get the Origin of His Vest. Maybe his dad wore it. Maybe an older scoundrel he idolizes wore it. Either way, this movie will go the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade route and show us the gripping origins of Han's fashion sense.

There Will Be A Portentuous Carbonite Scene. Imagine a younger Han in a shootout/chase, running and jumping and almost falling into a vat of Carbonite. Chewie grabs him by the vest at the last moment, saving his life. "Wouldn't want to end up in that stuff," Han says with a horrifying wink at the audience.

We Will Get A Completely Deflating Connection To Obi Wan. One of the great things about the Prequels is that they don't feature Baby Han Solo. George Lucas, for whatever reason, had at least that much common sense. Solo himself isn't caught up in the web of destiny and small universe bullshit that has dragged the Star Wars saga down... yet. In Solo Han Solo we'll learn that Obi Wan knew Han's dad, and we'll see him meeting a young Han, remarking on what a future the boy will have. This will mean that Obi Wan didn't randomly come upon Han and Chewie at Mos Eisley... he was working towards it for decades.