Steven Seagal To Train An Arizona Posse On How To Handle School Shootings

Sadly, that is not a movie synopsis. Unless it goes badly enough for someone to make a movie about it later.

You may have heard of Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio due to his reputation as one of the worst authority figures we could come up with as a culture. The New York Times literally named him "America's Worst Sheriff." The guy's a dick in general, but he's especially ugly when it comes racial profiling. Have a look at his wikipedia page, and you'll see what I mean. We have real business to get to, and an inventory of why they should sell this guy at the Jerk Store could take all day.

Arpaio is also known for being kind of a media whore, which is where today's story fits in. AP reports that Arpaio is going to hold a training exercise to help teach his "volunteer posse members" how to respond to school shootings. Let's just skip over the part where a volunteer militia will apparently involve themselves in school shooing scenarios and dive directly into the part where they will be taught by Steven Seagal.

I know I'm always going on and on about action films and Tyler Perry as though I have no internal quality indicator, but I really kind of hate Steven Seagal. Still, I've seen enough of his films to know that unlike, say Jean Claude Van Damme, his stand-ins handle most of his ass-kickings lately. Furthermore, I don't believe Seagal ever defused a school shooting, real or fictional. This indicates that he's there as an authority figure solely because he's a celebrity and Jan-Michael Vincent passed on the gig.

So just to break this down into typically cynical liberal terms: An over-the-hill action hero will train a trigger happy militia brought together by a racist asshole to help protect kids in the event of a school shooting. If I may take the liberty to read between the lines a little bit, I believe the event will be BYOB.