ABCs OF DEATH Gets The Greatest Review Ever

Sometimes family values maniacs really know how to sell a movie.

MovieGuide is an evangelical Christian site that rates movies based on their morals, or at least how their morals match up with those of the American Taliban. Which means - you guessed it - movies get bad marks for portraying gays in a positive light or for promoting atheism. 

One movie that was never going to ge tthe MovieGuide seal of approval was Magnolia/Drafthouse Films' The ABCs of Death, the 26 short anthology that really pushes the boundaries of sick, fucked up stuff. It's not a movie for everybody. It's possibly not a movie for anybody. It's certainly not a movie for MovieGuide. But their review of the film's objectionable material reads like the greatest recommendation of all time:

Very strong pagan, self-indulgent horror anthology, with one segment attacking the United States and capitalism; 38 obscenities (mostly “f” words), one strong profanity, one light profanity, plus cartoon feces segment and toilet slaughters people; extreme violence with much blood and gore includes chainsaw murder, man impaled, cat is gruesomely killed, fat woman carves up her body with a chainsaw to look thin, spider bites man then crawls inside him and a bunch of baby spiders come out of his ears, character electrocuted, etc.; extreme sexual content includes depicted fornication, men tied up and forced to watch nude sex acts (including implied pedophilia) while graphically abusing themselves or they will be impaled, nude dancing, female teacher passionately kisses her student, anal fixations, another segment contains references to pedophilia, and a huge phallic device spews rice many times while a woman’s vagina spews vegetables in one segment; extreme nudity includes shots full male and female nudity, rear nudity, and upper female nudity; alcohol use; no smoking but some drug references in one segment; and, men held against their will, illegal fight with a dog, people tease a very overweight girl, moral relativism.


I like the thought of the poor fucking guy from MovieGuide suffering through all of The ABCs of Death in order to catalog its various transgressions against Christ. How doubly guilty did he feel when he jacked off to the spiders coming out of the guy's ears?