Our Hero: Guy Yells “BINGO!” In Bingo Hall, The System Crushes Him

This is a true news story: Big Brother is forbidding Austin Whaley from saying 'bingo' for six months.

18 year old Austin Whaley of Kentucky had the balls to do what lesser men only dream of accomplishing: he walked into a bingo hall and shouted 'BINGO!' despite the fact that there was not any Bingo whatsoever. For his prank heroism, Whaley has been met only with draconian punishment by the law. 

Whaley was arrested on charges of second-degree disorderly conduct, and hauled in front of a judge. This lackey of the system, this tool of oppression, passed down a ruling so henious, so against the American way of life, that I can't believe the town of Covington, Kentucky hasn't become the center of the new American Revolution:

He sentenced Whaley not to say 'bingo' for six months.

Don't laugh. Running into a bingo hall and shouting 'BINGO!' is serious, serious business. 

"Just like you can’t run into a theater and yell ‘fire’ when it’s not on fire, you can’t run into a crowded bingo hall and yell ‘bingo’ when there isn’t one,” said Park Hills Police Sgt. Richard Webster, the officer who cited Whaley.

After Whaley made his false claim of bingohood, all hell broke loose: “This caused the hall to quit operating since they thought someone had won,” Webster wrote on his citation. “This delayed the game by several minutes and caused alarm to patrons.”


Continues Webster, oppressor of the people: “He seemed to think he could say whatever he wanted because it was a public building. I tried to explain that that’s not the case. Just because it’s a public building doesn’t give you the right to run into a theater and yell ‘fire.’ You can’t go into a ballpark and yell ‘out,’ because people could stop the game.”

And what if the game were to be stopped? We shudder to think. 

Here's to you, Austin Whaley, man of the people and prank superhero. Usually you'd have to commit some sort of an actual crime to be hauled into court, but in Covington Kentucky it's enough to modestly inconvenience some aged gamblers for five minutes. 

We at Badass Digest will not rest until this travesty of justice is reversed and Austin Whaley is free again to say 'bingo.' What if he wants to quote his favorite line from Inglorious Basterds? This tyranny will not stand.