Michael Bay and Jonathan Liebesman’s TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES Gets Its Raphael

Here's a pic of my boyfriend. He lives in Niagra Falls. You wouldn't know him.

It has begun. The new Michael Bay/Jonathan Liebesman Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles turtles are now being cast. First up is Raphael, surely the most important cast member as his constant bad attitude gives the Turtles films their only opportunity for group splintering and third act needle drops.

Raphael will by played by Alan Ritchson, soon to be known by movie fans everywhere as something called "Gloss" in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I'm not going to lie: He's a very handsome man. Handsome enough that he could call Thor ugly, and Thor would just have to take it. Not sure he could pull that shit with Captain America, though.

Being handsome is more important than you might think for this role as these turtles will be motion captured, so Ritchson will actually have to act petulant and kick ass and storm off like a real Raphael. This isn't just voice acting. It's acting acting. For Michelangelo, I hope they hire Charlie Sheen. I would also like Donatello to be played by Tyler Perry.

Ritchson will of course be joining the already cast Megan Fox as April O'Neil, a bit of casting which blows me away, frankly. That right there makes me want to see this inevitably weird Turtle film like few things possibly could. Any further weirdness added by casting, promo art, or trailers is just icing on the cake. I really like Megan Fox, but she has never stuck me as nice or friendly. Seeing her in a kids film will be interesting. I'm imagining her "fuck this shit" attitude from Transformers only with no nerdy romantic lead to get in her way. Unless this film has Baxter Stockman or something.

With the actual news taken care of, I now free you to do what you've been dying to do for two paragraphs now: Rate the Avengers according to hotness in the comments.