Sam Strange Remembers: STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

(Continued from Part One)

With my Star Trek for Jocks all put together and running smoothly, I could finally start breaking some shit. It was time for my Star Trek to Star Trek into some darkness.

Kirk and the rest of the Kelvin babies have been learning the hard way how to run their own Star Trek, the Enterprise. When we first meet them, they are fucking up royally. It's okay. They're young and need to learn. That's what this movie's all about.

See, they're on this brand new planet called National Geographic. There are only 17 inhabitants and they don't have any technology yet. Kirk and Spock are on a routine "new planet" checkup when they notice that an angry volcano is about to destroy the entire race of new people. Rather than let this natural occurrence take place, Kirk and Spock decide to sneak down and nullify the volcano. The problem is, they can't be seen by the National Geographites, or they'll alter their cultural development. This is called the Prime Directive, and it guides all Starfleet exploration. You CANNOT affect the developmental path of a civilization dumber than your own.

But Kirk is a good guy and good guys don't just sit back and let naked face-painters get wiped off the face of existence because of a stupid rule. So Kirk puts his outer space vessel underwater. Then he makes all the National Geographites chase him in a direction opposite the volcano while Spock puts on a volcano suit and jumps into a volcano to set off an ice bomb.

Unfortunately, Spock does not count on the volcano being full of lava and as a result faces certain death once he gets in there. Kirk can't beam him up, either. He wants to go pick Spock up with the Enterprise, but that would break the Prime Directive. While mulling over his options, Spock tells him "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." That seals it. There are four hundred people on the Enterprise who need Spock and only 17 National Geographites who need to not see the Enterprise.

So Kirk takes his Star Trek out of the water. All the National Geographites look upon it with awe. Unfortunately, while turning around, one of Kirk's thrusters burns them all alive. So there's some growing pains.

This gets Kirk in big trouble back home. It appears the question "Is this cocky asshole who cheated through Academy too young to be captain of his own Star Trek? has been answered." For some reason Kirk's defense: "They're all dead, so it's not like it matters if they saw my dumb Star Trek" does not sway them.

He does get a little back up from Admiral Pike, his old buddy and surrogate father. Pike tries his best to get Kirk reinstated, but Starfleet is well aware that Pike did his doctoral thesis on the Kelvin babies and sees Kirk not as a cadet but as an almost God-like celebrity. Being demoted makes Kirk cry a tear and listen to the Beastie Boys as loud as possible.

Meanwhile, across town, some nameless man has a sick kid. Suddenly a shady guy shows up and offers to fix his kid, so long as he do something bad in return. The man agrees. The next day, he puts some of the stranger's blood into his daughter's IV. And just like that, she's fixed. So now the guy has to fulfill his end of the bargain. He goes to Starfleet headquarters, kisses a picture of his family, says a prayer, and pulls the fire alarm.

Per Starfleet regulation, anytime a fire alarm is pulled, the heads of every department and any other people important to the film must convene at once and complain about "kids these days." So Pike, Mr. Starfleet, and some other old guys all show up, as do Kirk and Spock. Then that shady guy flies a helicopter to their window and opens a fire on them, killing Kirk's biggest fan, Pike.

During the attack, Kirk hits his head so hard he forgets how guns work. So instead of shooting the shady guy, he ties his rifle to a fire hose and throws it. This actually works. The gun hits the guy on the head and he beams himself across the galaxy to the planet Klingon. Even on accident, Kirk's a cheater.

Klingons are black people with head cancer. They and Starfleet do not get along. Kirk wants to go after the shady guy who killed Pike, but he must be careful because if any Klingons spot him, it could spark a Star War. Starfleet does not want to start a Star War with the Klingons because they are afraid it will make them look racist.

Mr. Starfleet tells Kirk to park their Star Trek just outside of Klingon spacespace where they can lock onto the shady guy's location and shoot him with "Blood Bombs," special secret missiles designed by Starfleet's shady organization Section Sith.

Under no circumstances is Kirk to deviate from this very specific set of instructions. And because he just got demoted, he's feeling way more obedient than usual. But then to confuse things, Spock tells him he thinks the plan is really bad and Kirk should do something different. Scotty even quits over it. Because Kirk is so young, he really doesn't know what to do.

Eventually he follows his heart, which tells him to do whatever Spock says by default. So instead of shooting the shady guy with blood bombs, Kirk decides to beam down to the planet and arrest the guy. And that's exactly what he does, right after he and the shady guy team up to kill a shitload of Klingons.

On the Enterprise, the guy tells Kirk that he is a superhuman named Khan who was created 300 years ago by Section Sith. He's actually one of 73 and his whole mission is getting his people safe and sound and out of Starfleet's evil hands. He's only awake now because Mr. Starfleet is so afraid of Klingons that he needed Khan's genius to help make badass but scary weapons. Retelling the story makes Khan cry.

Kirk doubts Starfleet could be so diabolical. But then it turns out the 72 blood bombs Kirk brought onboard were not bombs at all, but other frozen super people. Mr. Starfleet tricked them! Now Kirk's really confused about whose rules he's allowed to break.

Just then, Mr. Starfleet himself appears in a big, black Star Trek adorned with a massive skull and crossbones. Instantly, Mr. Starfleet disables the Enterprise's mobile capabilities and threatens to blow it up completely if Kirk does not hand over Khan and the other popsicles.

So Kirk and Khan team up again, this time to kill Mr. Starfleet. They beam over and shoot everyone. But Khan has something special in mind for Mr. Starfleet, a move of his called The Skullcrusher. It is at this point that Kirk finally remembers that Khan killed Pike and is not his new BBF. Coincidentally, this is also the point where Khan starts beating the shit out of Kirk.

Now in command of his own badass Star Trek, Khan demands his popsicle crew be beamed over or he'll blow up the Enterprise. Spock gets scared so, like always, he calls up Old Spock and asks what he's supposed to do. Old Spock rolls his eyes and tells him to grow the fuck up already.

Spock then begins to think more like Kirk, a cocky smartass. Khan wants his missiles, so Spock beams them over, but without the popsicles. So instead of reuniting with his loved ones, Khan's Star Trek just blows up. Unfortunately Kirk blows up with it.

Khan's pretty strong, though, so he survives the blast as well as the fall through space, Vulcan's atmosphere, a Vulcan airplane, two birds, and a Vulcan Fiat.

Back on the Enterprise, Spock is really crying a lot because of all the many good bromance years he lost with the death of Kirk. So he beams onto Vulcan and begins an epic Khan beatdown. At first Khan has the upper hand due to his formidable Sith powers. But with Spock's anger totally unchecked and flaming, it is finally revealed that he is part Sith, too! Every time Khan gets close enough to use The Skullcrusher on Spock, it brings him close enough for Spock to respond with a sad mind reading or a Vulcan massage. This goes on for quite a while. Eventually people get bored and Uhura shows up to shoot Khan with an old fashioned bullet gun. It knocks him out long enough to freeze.

While doing tests on Khan's blood, however, Spock discovers that if he injects some into a dead Tribble, the Tribble will come back to life. Unsure if it will work or not, he ties a bomb to Khan's body and floats him out to the exact spacespace where Kirk died and blows him up, spreading his magic blood everywhere.

It works! Kirk's body first reforms and then reanimates! Back on Enterprise, everyone is congratulating him on cheating even death when he trips and falls through one of the Enterprise's arbitrary panels of see-through glass. The take blood from one of the other popsicles and bring him back to life again. While eating his welcome home banquet, Kirk chokes on a grape, but they just put more blood in him. It's no big deal.

As long as they keep those popsicle people alive, Starfleet has basically destroyed the concept of death. Unfortunately, the human race does not get long to enjoy immortality thanks to the initial Tribble Spock brought back to life, which multiplies exponentially until there is no more empty space in the entire known Universe. Whoops.

(three stars)