First Review Of JJ Abrams’ GODFATHER Reboot Hits The Net

It comes to us from 2019. 

I can write pages and pages of text using analysis and logic and specific examples to make a point about a movie, but all of that pales in the face of a few paragraphs of sharp, targeted satire. This is why I love our own Evan Saathoff's alter ego, Sam Strange, because the ridiculous satire he uses often makes a point more clearly and well than all my blustering.

Evan also does 'Future Movie Reviews' sometimes, and someone on Tumblr has created a similar concept - this time for the JJ Abrams reboot of The Godfather that will be released in 2019. I've long said that Paramount - who seems to barely even be in the movie business these days - will eventually get around to violating that movie, and I think 2019 is as good a guess as any. This review is not just a great dissection of JJ Abrams as a filmmaker devoid of substance, it's also a biting indictment of our entire mainstream movie culture. The Godfather was a major hit back in 1972! A totally mainstream movie! Imagine that film coming out today. It would look something like this:

Cody Jarret here! I just got back from the hottest ticket in town, the top secret sneak preview of JJ Abrams’ new re-boot, Godfather, and man, did it ever blow my expectations out of the water!

When I found out that he wasn’t a fan of the original, and preferred Scarface, I was worried, but I have to say, JJ’s done it again, folks. If all you want is a one sentence review, it’s this - Godfather is awesome!

For those of you want more, here it comes, but be warned, SPOILERS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!

We open on Michael (Zack Effron) in the army, blowing away some Nazis and shit. He’s a total badass, but kind of inexperienced, and rough around the edges. He comes home, and his family’s all happy to see him, cuz he’s a war hero now.

His dad and brother, Don Vito (Gerard Butler) and Fredo (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) go to the Italian market, and Sollazo (Benecio Del Toro) and his men roll up in, like, fifty awesome black cars, machine guns blazing.

Vito whips out his gun and fires back, taking, like, ten of those pricks out, but Fredo’s a fucking coward, and hides, and Vito goes down in a hail of bullets.

So Sonny (Channing Tatum), who’s acting head of the family now, rounds up some guys, and they go after Sollazzo hard, in downtown Manhattan. It’s a fucking firefight from hell, and dudes are getting wasted all over the place.

But Sollazzo gets away. Michael and Sonny are on a boat off Long Island, talking about what happened, and Michael tells Sonny he went off without thinking. He should have strategized instead of just attacking. Pop would disapprove.

Sonny gets all pissed and shit, and throws Michael off the boat, into the water, where he fights a shark with his bare hands, then swims onto a small island in the middle of nowhere, and who’s there but James motherfucking Caan! He’s like, Dude! I totally know where you’re coming from, and you need to take charge of the situation, because Sonny’s a hot head!

So he teaches Michael some cool fighting styles for a while, and Michael gets more mature and shit, and gets it on with this hot babe (Brooklyn Decker) who gets blown up, so now he’s ready to go back home.

Meanwhile, Sonny finds out Sollazzo is in Manhattan, and goes after him. He chases Sollazzo to the top of the Empire State Building, and when there’s nowhere left to run, Sollazzo turns, and they fight, and Sonny totally kicks Sollazzo’s ass. He picks him up, about to throw him off, when BAM! Luca motherfucking Brasi pops up behing Sonny and fucking garottes him, then shoots him, like, a hundred times with a machine gun. (John Cena is amazing at Brasi. Almost unrecognizable under all that makeup). Sollazzo planned the whole thing! He lured Sonny up there to die!

There's more! To read the whole thing (it gets better), click here.