OK, Maybe Soccer Is Cool After All

An amateur Brazilian soccer match turns into a bloodbath out of an EC comic. Because something just like this happened in an EC comic. Find out which one.

As an American it is my patriotic duty to dislike and be against soccer, but even I have to admit that the absolutely bonkers events that occured at a Brazilian amateur match last week makes the game seem more interesting.

Josenir dos Santos Abreu was a player who found himself at the receiving end of a call he didn't like. He took it up with the ref, Otavio Jordao da Silva (a lot of names these people have), and an argument broke out. The argument got heated, and Santos Abreu struck the ref - a bad move in any situation. But it was made all the worse by the fact that da Silva was apparently both unhinged and armed, as he immediately stabbed Santos Abreu. The player died on his way to the hospital.

That alone makes this story crazy, but it's just where the absolute fucking madness begins. The crowd at the match was enraged by the actions of the ref, so they descended upon the field and did what anyone would do in that situation - they tied him up, beat him savagely, stoned him and then DREW AND QUARTERED him. They cut this motherfucker up into PIECES. And then, just to really show how they felt, the crowd stuck his head on a stake and placed it in the middle of the pitch, surely as a warning to other refs. 

In the space of minutes this crowd went from the sort of semi-civilized people who enjoy 'soccer' games to bloodlusting monsters. All veneers of society dropped away; you can sort of see the crowd beating up the ref, but they had him drawn and quartered (it's not clear how they accomplished this - was it with vehicles or the old-fashioned way with horses? The 'drawn' part indicates more than just ripping his arms and legs off manually - you have to be tied to something that then moves away from you at a high rate of speed to be properly drawn and quartered. Otherwise you're just quartered*). And the head on a stake? You just imagine the Crypt Keeper cackling in the next panel.

That's probably because something a lot like this happened in an issue of The Haunt of Fear. It's a great story called Foul Play, and it's about a murderous baseball player who poisons his cleats. When he slides into base he cuts the first baseman, leading to his death. When the opposing team figures out this guy killed their teammate, they do what people did in EC Comics - they killed him and dismembered him and used his guts to line the bases, his severed limbs as bats and his head as the ball. It's one of the best EC stories ever, without a doubt. 

* It looks like I'm wrong about this! According to Wikipedia there's a ton of arguing between historians about just what being drawn and quartered meant back in the day. From Wikipedia:

The use of the word drawn, as in "to draw", has caused a degree of confusion. One of the Oxford English Dictionary's definitions of draw is "to draw out the viscera or intestines of; to disembowel (a fowl, etc. before cooking, a traitor or other criminal after hanging)", but this is followed by "in many cases of executions it is uncertain whether this, or sense 4 [To drag (a criminal) at a horse's tail, or on a hurdle or the like, to the place of execution; formerly a legal punishment of high treason], is meant. The presumption is that where drawn is mentioned after hanged, the sense is as here." Historian Ram Sharan Sharma arrived at the same conclusion: "Where, as in the popular hung, drawn and quartered (meaning, facetiously, of a person, completely disposed of), drawn follows hanged or hung, it is to be referred to as the disembowelling of the traitor." The historian and author Ian Mortimer disagrees. In an essay published on his website, he writes that the separate mention of evisceration is a relatively modern device, and that while it certainly took place on many occasions, the presumption that drawing means to disembowel is spurious. Instead, drawing (as a method of transportation) may be mentioned after hanging because it was a supplementary part of the execution.

Human beings! We're so horrible that we can argue about exactly how our horrible, inhuman executions were carried out! Anyway, it seems the drawing in this case could mean the ref was disemboweled?