STAR WARS Is Satanic, ET Is Occult and The Smurfs Are Undead Gays

A gem from 1984: an occult panic documentary about how all the best 80s toys and cartoons are Satanic.

"Mommy, God isn't Master of the Universe, He-Man is!"

This terrible blasphemy is one of the cornerstones of this journalistic expose, Turmoil in the ToyboxIt's from 1984, when the United States of America was in the middle of an inexplicable Satanic/occult panic. From heavy metal records to ritual child abuse to occult toys, the fundies of the day were getting their panties in a twist about black magic and Satan and the mainstream media, for some fucking reason, went along with it. 

Phil Philips, author of the book on which this documentary is based, leads a discussion about the perils of modern toys, including just about every single 80s toy or cartoon you have ever liked. This extraordinary nugget of VHS madness takes down everything, from Masters of the Universe (The Snake Mountain playset allows you to turn your voice into that of an 'occult hero') to Scooby-Doo to The Smurfs.

Some highlights:

- 39 minutes there's a discussion of how Thundercats is tied into Hinduism and ancient Pagan symbolism. The Eye of Thundera, it turns out, teaches children about the third eye. They talk to the dead, and their martial arts are... I don't know, tied in to Eastern stuff somehow.

- 50 minutes in we get to Dungeons & Dragons. They have a field day.

- 59 minutes they get really upset about Sectaurs, because of some shit from the Book of Revelation.

- 1:02 is where it gets really great. Star Wars is Satanic because The Force is how witches refer to the power they received from Satan. Darth Vader, it turns out, looks almost exactly like the Norse god Odin (?) and Yoda is a Zen master, which is bad because it's Not Jesus.

- 1:03:28 we get to ET: The Extra Terrestrial, which is a secret occult movie thanks to the levitation, psychic healing and mental telepathy on display. 

- 1:12 we get the truth about The Smurfs. They're blue with black lips.... just like dead things. And they're an all-male community, except for Smurfette, who is transgendered. They're undead homosexuals, basically. 

There's more, including an expose of the Care Bear Stare, the occult aspects of Rainbow Brite cereal and the shocking truth about Wonder Woman's relationship with demons.