Sam Strange Remembers: THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

Phenomenal nonsensicus.

Honestly, I have no idea why I made The Boondock Saints. I'm not absolutely certain I made it at all. Sometimes, when you piss enough Hollywood people off, they all get together behind your back and make a bad movie to put your name on. Boondock Saints could have been one of those. I also happen to know that God really wants to break into the Hollywood game and sometimes tries to do so by putting known names on his piece of shit movies. So this could have been that, too. Given the religious angle, I wouldn't be surprised.

The Boondock Saints is about two Scottish twins named Harry and Harrison who spend the first couple decades of their life conjoined at the hip. But one day they were magically separated by a bolt of lightening. The lightening bolt not only split them down the middle without any hemorrhaging, but knocked six languages into their brains as well, granting them confidence enough to be huge assholes.

They hang out with criminals at a criminal Scottish bar known as Criminals, which is run by Chris Riminal, an elderly gentleman with Tourette's, which in The Boondocks Saints world, manifests itself as a stutter with occasional swear words he probably would have been saying anyway.

One day some Russian criminals come into Criminals, demanding that the bar close immediately so they can take it over. Rather than put up with that, the Boondock Saints head butt the Russians' tummies then set their asses on fire.

The next day, the diapered Russian criminals vow revenge. They come to the Boondock Saints' studio loft to shoot them in the head for what they did to their asses. They tie one Boondock Saint to a toilet and take the other one downstairs. But Boondock Saints cannot exist on separate floors, so the toilet brother breaks the toilet and drops it off the roof onto one Russian while hitting the other with a his own ass.

The murder of these two Russian criminals gets the FBI's attention, so they send their best man to investigate. Unfortunately, he and his 29 replacements all mysteriously die on the way to Boondock, so the send the best of what's left: Willem Dafoe, a gay, manic insane person.

Don't worry, though. This is not a gay friendly film. Obviously the brothers are humping, but we never have to see it. When they kiss in public, they make sure to first cover their mouths with their leather gloves. Dafoe might play a flamboyant homo, but he's also a total self-hating homophobe. So it's a wash.

Dafoe has a superpower which lets him see crime scenes as they happened so long as he recreates them physically for people in the present tense to watch and giggle over. The more intense his recreation, the more detailed his vision, so he goes pretty over the top at times. He also goes through a lot of diapers.

Dafoe sees that the Russians were killed by Boondock Saints. But he can also tell that the Boondock Saints in question are fine young gentlemen and knows that going after them is just a waste of time because they will simply turn themselves in. Which they do because they saw Dafoe in his vision form and could tell that he's a fine young gentlemen who will just let them go, which he does.

That night, God gives the Boondock Saints a high five for setting the Russian's ass on fire and later dropping a toilet on his head. He then begs the Boondock Saints to kill more people because their methods are so hilarious. They ask God if it's okay if they just kill bad people, and God's like "Yeah sure, I really don't give a shit. I just want more ass/poop related violence."

So now the Boondock Saints are on a holy mission. They buy an armory of guns with their God money and blow away a room full of crooks. They're already dead, but to appease God they set all the bodies on fire, ass-first.

The Boondock Saints have a good buddy named Bearded Butthead. He's a criminal, which means he's totally open to killing people and wants to join up. They don't really need a partner, but his name is Bearded Butthead, so they say yes.

The three Boondock Saints next hit a porno house and shoot all the masturbators so that they die with their wieners in hand. Pretty soon, the actual mob hears about this and gets scared. They're not used to killing people, but they know of one legendary guy who's not afraid to inflict violence. His name is The Number Two, a guy so scary that he's quadruple chained and locked in a birdcage that sits within a jail cell that is also inside of a bigger jail cell that is buried next to a million copies of the ET Atari game.

They have him paroled just in time for the Boondock Saints to come looking for them. All of them get killed. But at least they can go to their maker knowing that as soon as they were murdered, The Number Two showed up with SIX FUCKING GUNS to shoot endless bullets at the Boondock Saints as they shoot endless bullets back at him from only three feet away. Pretty soon everyone is out of bullets though, and they all run away.

Around this time, Willem Dafoe realizes he wants to be a Boondock Saint as well. The Boondock Saints ask God if that would be okay. At first, God hesitates because Dafoe lacks a funny name. But then he rewinds to the part where Dafoe orders a latte with sweet 'n low and a twist of lemon and laughs his ass off.

This connection grants the Boondock Saints legal legitimacy, and the four of them begin a sweep of the city in which they murder every bad guy possible in every hilarious way possible. And if they can't figure one out, the just set the bodies on fire ass-first.

But deep down they all know The Number Two is still out there, and sooner or later he needs to be dealt with. Fortunately, while the Boondock Saints pray to God for guidance, The Number Two actually finds them. But hearing their prayer, he finally realizes who the Boondock Saints are. His sons. Also, he is the future incarnation of Bearded Butthead. Everyone's happy.

The film ends with the Boondock Saints, now a fully-formed force of tattooed nature, holding an entire courtroom hostage so that they can assassinate a mobster. By the time they're done, pretty much all of Boondock is on their side. Their fame continues to grow unchecked for years. Before long, The Punisher is the only person in America still alive.

(three stars)