Dear Marty and Leo,
I can call you Marty and Leo, right? It's all the rage with dummies penning open letters to you guys, and I'm just following suit. Anyway, Marty and Leo, I really enjoyed The Wolf of Wall Street. I think it's an exceptional work from both of you, and I think the way it indicts not just Jordan Belfort but the entire capitalist system is thrilling. You guys knocked this one out of the park, and anyone who thinks you're glorifying these guys is an idiot, and probably needs to learn how to watch movies beyond the most passive, gape-mouthed way.
But my enjoyment of the film has begun to turn to ash. Doing some digging into the life of Jordan Belfort I discovered you guys - willfully, I must assume - have left out some vital elements of Belfort's life. Your film is very long, but somehow you didn't think there was time to shed light upon one specific corner of Belfort's story, and in doing so you have produced a dangerously skewed version of this tale. It feels, in a word, irresponsible.
Yes, you know what I'm talking about. You left out the most important things Belfort ever did:
He produced two Hulk Hogan movies, including the seminal Santa With Muscles.
And yet you're ignoring it - you who call yourselves movie fans. You purposefully left out Belfort's involvement with a TV movie called Assault on Dome 4, which starred Bruce Campbell and Brion James. Where's Blood Money, the film that saw Belfort executive producing the sublime efforts of Billy Drago and Traci Lords? How is there not a single allusion to Skeletons, a TV film that saw Ron Silver, Dee Wallace, Christopher Plummer and James Coburn working together in absolute schlock under the direction of David Decoteau, director of the immortal Creepozoids? Marty, you found time to include a clip of The Equalizer, but there is not one shot of Hulk Hogan in a Santa cap. Not one. Even though your movie was released Christmas morning.
For me, it's become goddamn unbearable. I know that Belfort just funneled money into this productions, and likely never had anything to do with them. I know that truthfully these movies were just shelters and schemes to hide and protect his ill-gotten gains.
But I refuse to give up.
I know there's a longer cut of The Wolf of Wall Street, Marty. There are hours more material. Is Hulk Hogan in there somewhere? Put his scenes back in! If you never shot material featuring Hulk Hogan, I urge all of America to tweet #wolfwithmuscles in an attempt to shame you into going back and doing some pick-up shots, perhaps hiring The Rock to play Hulk Hogan. I know they don't look anything alike, but I think The Rock should be in The Wolf of Wall Street as it's the spiritual big brother to his Pain & Gain. Also, who doesn't want to see The Rock work with Martin Scorsese?