This month the Action Pack DJs are celebrating the return of Britney with a whole night of music videos and dance parties at every Alamo Drafthouse in the country. In honor of this achievement, undoubtedly the pinnacle of her career, we present this brief look back on where she’s been and what it took to get her into this storied realm of Action Pack parties.
DECEMBER 2, 1981
Britney Jean Spears is born in Kentwood, Louisiana, an incredibly tiny rural town on the border of Mississippi. Once known as the Dairy Capital of the South, that all stopped in the 1970s when the dairy farm in the city shut down forever. It took them a few years after that to cancel their annual dairy parade, but by the time Britney was born it was just a place that didn’t do much of anything.
Britney is three years old, and she starts taking dance lessons. Because preschool is for suckers.
Her school throws a big graduation ceremony when her class finishes the demanding work of kindergarten, and Britney performs by singing “What Child Is This” to all attendees. Sources can neither confirm nor deny that she was literally asking about who she was when she was singing that song, but echoes of that theme would come up again and again in her music.
At the tender age of 8 years old, Britney goes to Atlanta to audition for the Mickey Mouse Club. The good people at Disney tell her that she is too young, so she goes to New York to take classes at the Professional Performing Arts Center, because elementary school is for suckers.
Britney gets a role in the off-Broadway production of Ruthless! When she leaves, Natalie Portman takes her spot. Natalie has since said that as soon as Britney leaves the pop princess stage she is interested in taking her role there as well, but in the meantime she bides her time by acting in major motion pictures.
At 10 years old, she competes on Star Search. She wins the first round, but loses in the second round. Years later Ed McMahon kicked himself for being stupid enough to allow the biggest pop star of his era out of his grasp.
Britney finally gets to live out her dream when she is accepted into The Mickey Mouse Club. Among her peers in that class are a series of other performers who would continue to make a name for themselves as adults, including Nikki DeLoach (Hollywoo, Love & Other Drugs), Tate Lynch (American Idol Season 3, not a winner), and T.J. Fantini (Drive In, Child Star Confidential). Also some dudes named Justin and Ryan, but whatever.
The New Mickey Mouse Club becomes That Other Old Mickey Mouse Club after it’s canceled. Britney goes home to Kentwood and can’t stand how stupid and boring high school is, because she knows it’s for suckers. She starts a girl group with former Mousketeer Nikki DeLoach and names it Innosense. This is clearly a terrible idea.
Britney leaves Nikki and the girls of Innosense behind to sign with Jive Records. She records "...Baby One More Time" in Sweden, then when she comes back to the U.S. she does a tour of malls, because those still existed then and Tiffany had made that kind of tour look super cool in her video for “I Think We’re Alone Now.”
After that she went on her first real concert tour, as the opening act for N’SYNC.
The music video for “…Baby One More Time” is released, and the image of Britney as a Catholic school girl who just has to dance and show off her belly button helps the album rocket to number one. Justin Timberlake is all, “Heyyyyyyy…” and winks at her a lot.
Britney makes another album, and is once again smart enough to include ellipsis in the title, with "Oops!...I Did It Again" because she knows grammar police are her number one fans.
Justin was all, “Hey, girl, I said, ‘Heeeyyyyyyyy’” again, and this time Britney gets all, “You look cute.” They start dating and move in together. BUT THEY NEVER EVER HAVE SEX.
According to what they tell the press.
She returns to the VMAs and carries a snake on stage. PETA is super pissed. Later that year she and boyfriend JT show up at another awards show wearing all denim outfits, and the fashion police arrest them forever.
Justin and Britney break up, and teens everywhere are super excited because they know that this means soon THEY will get to date one of the biggest pop stars ever. Britney makes the movie Crossroads, and the world wonders why Dan Aykroyd would stoop to appearing in such drivel. But that scene where she almost has sex with the Mac from the old Are You a Mac or a PC? commercials is kind of awesome, mainly because she’s in her underwear and you totally understand how completely devastated Justin Long’s character must be in that moment.
Madonna and Britney make out on stage at the VMAs, and Madonna takes the opportunity to suck a tiny piece of Britney’s soul out of her mouth in order to help herself stay young for another five years. Madonna also curses Britney in this moment because she has voodoo powers and she is jealous that everyone is buying Britney’s music instead of her own. Britney doesn’t know it yet, but this is a milestone in her career.
Britney marries her childhood friend Jason Alexander, who is not in Seinfeld at all, in a rushed ceremony in Las Vegas, because she is now crazy after Madonna cursed her. She divorced Jason 55 hours later, but she continued hanging around Madonna and doing Kabbalah with her, which Madge used to make sure her power over poor Britney kept going strong.
Later that year she announced that she was engaged to her dancer Kevin Federline, and no girls anywhere said, “Oh, well that makes sense because he seems totally hot enough for you, Britney.” Then the two of them were featured in a reality show called Britney & Kevin: Chaotic and the whole world could see the damage Madonna did when she sucked out her soul.
Using the youth and vitality she stole from Britney that night at the VMAs, Madonna releases her new album, Confessions on a Dancefloor, which became her biggest worldwide hit to date.
Britney doesn’t do much of anything except have a baby and hang out with K-Fed all the time.
Britney drives around LA with her baby in her lap, and the press is like, “What the fuck is this?!?” She says she has to do that because of paparazzi, and this makes no sense to anyone, especially the paparazzi who have to point out that the only reason people know this has happened is because they took a picture of it, and they clearly couldn’t have seen the baby at all if he had been in a child seat in the back where the windows are tinted.
Mercifully for everyone involved, Britney and K-Fed file for divorce in November.
Inspired by her nemesis and rival, Natalie Portman, Britney decides to try out her look from V for Vendetta and shaves her head. Everyone thought she did this because she was crazy, and the legal system even gave her kids to Kevin Federline, which is INSANE BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU GIVE K-FED THAT KIND OF POWER.
Britney loses visitation rights to her children and is checked into the psychiatric ward of Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, where she is put on involuntary psychiatric hold. When asked if he feels bad at all for tossing his old princess out of the Magic Kingdom and into the cold, cruel world with nothing but her own burgeoning sexuality to support herself with, Mickey Mouse just laughs in a high-pitched voice and goes back to grooming Miley Cyrus.
Later that year Britney gets out of psychiatric care, regains visitation rights, and releases her fifth album, Circus. The first single, “Womanizer,” is clearly referencing her time with Mickey Mouse and they way he tried to use her up. The public loves it and she has yet another hit.
Circus debuts at Number One on the Billboard charts, and Britney gets the thrill of her life when I decide to celebrate my 32nd birthday at her concert in Houston, TX and she kind of looked in my direction for one second.
Britney begins dating her agent at WME, Jason Trawick, because dating people she works with has always worked out for her in the past.
Knowing that all the signs pointed to an apocalypse in 2012, Britney released the single for “Till the World Ends” and let everyone know that she intends to spend her last moments on earth not with Trawick, K-Fed or her children, but rather simply by dancing in an underground shelter while planet Earth is exploding all around her.
Everyone agrees, and the world comes together for New Year’s Eve in a celebration of Roland Emmerich movies and pop music.
The world does not end. Britney appears in a Will.i.am song, “Scream & Shout,” where she speaks in a weird British accent as a clear way of saying, “Fuck you, bitch” to Madonna, who spent much of the last ten years living in London.
Britney and Jason break up and stare, blinking, into the sun. Britney begins work on her next studio album and releases it in December of that year.
Madonna is banned from the Alamo Drafthouse forever for texting during a festival screening of 12 Years A Slave.
Britney Spears is honored by the Action Pack, who dedicates an entire party at the Alamo to her awesomeness. After more than 10 years, the curse is lifted, and Britney emerges as the true victor in her war with Madonna.
So there you have it – a concise and 100% accurate history of the life of Britney Jean Spears. And remember, kids: if Madonna tries to make out with you at an MTV Awards Show, just say no!