It all started a few months ago when I read Stephen King's It. I hadn't read any King since I was about 12. I had really liked Rose Madder because it was super weird and about a woman escaping her abusive husband and something about entering a world in a painting, which seemed like a good segue for me from V.C. Andrews books into grown-up stuff. Apparently that's one of his crummier books. I had no idea. Then I tried to read The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, and after like, 10 pages of King describing mud and mosquitoes while throwing in baseball references, I quit. So I haven't picked up a King book since. But at the behest of a friend, I read It, and it was pretty spectacular.
There were also a LOT of boners in that book. Kid boners, adult boners, happy boners, sad boners, "college boy boners," excited boners, scared boners -- the characters in that book get a boner in every situation. It's their default reaction to everything. I'm not sure what King's preoccupation is with erections in It, or what he's trying to say. As 10 year-old kids in the book, they get a lot of awkward, unwitting boners, which is understandable, and I guess as adults, all the boners are supposed to be a sign of their mental regression? Either way, it's pretty hilarious. Boner plot devices!
King's affection for erections got me thinking that someone should be cataloging the boners in his books. So I decided to be that someone. I'd like to introduce the official Stephen King's Boners Tumblr.
It is where you will find boners like, "What the hell are you doing? he asked, amazed, while old John Thomas waved indignantly in the air, visibly throbbing." That little treasure is from page 294 of The Stand.
I'm sure you have some questions, so I will answer the obvious ones.
What is Stephen King's Boners?
It is a Tumblr dedicated to cataloging every mention of an erect penis in Stephen King's novels.
How will you catalog said boners?
I will post the one-sentence quote or phrase, along with the page number and the book title, sans-context. This will either make it more funny or more confusing or both. Sometimes it will sound sort of lame. Not all boners are interesting. That's just life.
What is the boner criteria?
This is an excellent question, if I say so myself. Any blatant mention of a boner or erection, obviously. But there's also the creative insinuations like the aforementioned "old John Thomas," and there are times when it's referred to as "something hard" or a "stiffness." It can even be slightly more vague than that, but the implication has to be an erect penis. Not just a regular penis or a passing mention of a dick or a cock, but a real boner. So if the characters are engaged in a sexual scenario or the tone is sexual and a penis is mentioned, the mention of the penis must be sexually-charged enough to constitute what I would believe to be a boner. Look, we all know a boner when we see one.
What is the purpose of Stephen King's Boners?
You'd have to ask Stephen King. Hey oh!
But really -- the purpose is that I am currently keeping a tally of the erections in his books. Salem's Lot had 7. I didn't keep count of the boners in It because I didn't have this idea until after I read it, so I'll eventually have to go back and tally those, at which point I'll post the boners to the Tumblr. Bear with me on that one.
The Stand, which I am currently reading, has 9 so far, but I've only posted 5 on the Tumblr. I hadn't been noting the page numbers of the boners until I started the Tumblr. I am a horrible bonerologist. I was only able to go back and locate the ones I vividly remembered, so you'll just have to deal with that. But know that there are 9 so far even though there are only 5 on the Tumblr.
The other purpose for recording the boners in King's books is that I'm trying to deduce some sort of larger thematic or metaphorical meaning or purpose... or pattern... or something. It's not quite clear yet, but maybe it will be by the time I've read 20 books and posted 800 boners to the Tumblr. Or maybe you'll figure it out.
And of course there's the basic purpose: everyone loves boners. Boners are hilarious. Boners are fun. And the boners in Stephen King's books are sometimes weird, sometimes funny, sometimes awkward, sometimes gross, and often described rather creatively. I'm having a great time with Stephen King's Boners. You should, too!
What would you do if Stephen King found out about Stephen King's Boners?
That is a very existential question. But also, I have no idea. I hope we can have a really interesting discussion about his boners some day.
So anyway, I know this is some shameless self-promotion, but who doesn't love a good boner? Check out Stephen King's Boners, and tell your friends, your dad, your grandma, your social media "friends," or whoever.