New TRANSFORMERS Trailer Reminds Us Of The Inevitability Of Our Own Deaths

It's not a thematic element of the movie, it's just one of those existential understandings you get when you realize you're going to see a fourth one of these.

There is no person on this Earth I trust less than an unabashed fan of the Transformers movies. This person is someone who has never used their brain properly; they're the kind of person who admonishes you to just shut your brain off and enjoy the ride but it's clear they never had theirs on in the first place. The last two films have been so assaultively bad as to render the first one prosaic; we look back at the overblown bombast of that incoherent piece of shit with some small amount of nostalgia. Remember the days when these movies were only that bad, as opposed to the shaking-your-faith-in-God bad that Michael Bay wrought in Dark of the Moon and That Other One?

Now they're back, and most of us will dutifully go see Age of Extinction, like how a man married for ten years dutifully fucks his wife every fortnight, trying very hard to remember why this ever even fun in the first place. And even when the wife tries to spice it up - say, brings a robot dinosaur to bed - it still feels stale and dull. 

This trailer should have sold me; I saw an extended bit of the movie at CinemaCon and I liked parts of what I saw, mostly stuff with humans - like the government agent getting hit in the face with the tire on the jumping car. That's cool! A boat dropping in the middle of the street? I saw Pacifc Rim, Bay, and they used boats as bats in that one. Way more fun. 

Age of Extinction simply doesn't look fun. And it doesn't look any more coherent than the previous films, even with that long(ish) take of Prime on Grimlock's back with the sword. How is it that four movies into this franchise I'm not sure which robot I'm looking at when they do the fleeting shots of them? This is how my grandparents felt when they watched The Empire Strikes Back, I think. My grandmother called him "Hand Solo."

Anyway, yeah, here's another goddamn Transformers movie that will be the number one film of the summer and probably the year, unless The Hobbit 3 somehow reverses the trend on that franchise. Which is fitting, because neither Peter Jackson or Michael Bay particularly wanted to make these tedious sequels.