It was only a matter of time before Lifetime (bless them) took us behind the dramatic scenes of the making of Saved by the Bell, and now we'll know the true, sordid tale of what really went on at Bayside High when The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story comes to our living rooms on Labor Day. (Which is, by the way, two days before my birthday. Happy birthday to me!)
Some of the wild stories about the time spent making Saved by the Bell were recounted in a book penned by Dustin Diamond, who once made a living playing lovable nerd Screech, and who now makes a living satirizing dignity. I never read this book, but I read highlights on the Internet, which is a time and cost-efficient way to avoid dumb books.
According to Variety, Lifetime has cast a list of people you've never heard of, using original series casting director Robin Lippin to find modern day doppelgangers of Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris), Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater), Dustin Diamond (Screech), Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (Kelly Kapowski), Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle), and Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano). I'd list the names, but you wouldn't know them, so it's not helpful.
No word yet on who will be playing Zack's giant cell phone or how many tank tops Wario Lopez will be wearing, or if Fake Mark Paul-Gosselaar will break the fourth-fourth wall to address the audience like "Can you believe this shit?" If they don't have Zack Attack or a scene where someone storms out of The Max in the middle of a dance rehearsal, I'm going to be furious. And just like the show, this movie is apparently just pretending Tori never happened.
Update: Below, you can see the first photo from The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story, featuring kids who look nothing like the original cast, all posing like this is an Olan Mills photo for high school graduation in 1994. The pic comes from Vulture.