Here's all the wacky crap Britt hopes to see this season.

Another season of American Horror Story begins this week, and after being totally underwhelmed by Coven (seriously, how could a premise as promising as WITCH SCHOOL be that disappointing?), I'm looking forward to the insanity that Freak Show might bring. I've been keeping up with the photos, teasers, trailers, and casting breakdowns for a while now, and I have come up with a list of things I hope to see this season. The great thing about this is that, since Ryan Murphy's approach is basically taking all of his inspirations and throwing them in his giant batshit blender along with the kitchen sink, pretty much all of the items on my wish list are totally possible.

So here is what I hope to see this season, based on what I have seen/read so far:

  • Angela Bassett's character, Desiree Dupree, is a performer with three breasts, and I hope she breastfeeds someone or multiple someones at some point with said breasts.
  • A musical duet between Sarah Paulson's two-headed conjoined twins, Dot and Bette.
  • By the end of the season, one of those heads is going to try to saw the other one off.
  • Evan Peters plays Jimmy, a guy with lobster-like hands. I'd like to see him stick one up a lady's special place like she's his personal puppet. Or a dude. I'm not particular.
  • Or maybe he can shove one of those lobster hands in someone's mouth and through the back of their head in a murderous rage. Fun!
  • Jessica Lange's character is Elsa, a German lady who runs the show. Maybe there will be some tie-in with evil Nazi experiments gone awry, hence circus freaks.
  • Kathy Bates plays a bearded lady. I want her to do fun things with her beard, like put daisies in it and braid it and try fun new hair styles. I would also like to see her make someone lick it.
  • Ryan Murphy has said of John Carroll Lynch's serial killer clown character, Twisty, "there comes a point in the season where he takes the mask off and when you see what’s under you will faint in terror." I bet it's a vagina. Vachina.
  • The serial killer clown is somehow tied to the Zodiac killer, which is a very unsubtle nod to David Fincher's Zodiac, in which Lynch may or may not have played the Zodiac killer. Go see Gone Girl, now playing in a theater near you.
  • Wes Bentley is guest-starring, and he better be bringing that Hunger Games facial hair.
  • There's been zero mention of Derbil McDillett, but I'm still hopeful.
  • Since this takes place in Florida, a conspiracy involving Walt Disney. They probably can't use his name, but a mustachioed dude obsessed with "tomorrow" and a fondness for cartoon mice would be p. hilarious.
  • Precious has sex with the killer clown or with a half-man/half-gator, continuing her tradition of having sex with the absolute worst possible options.
  • Frances Conroy delivers a 10-minute monologue.
  • Frances Conroy wears no less than 30 different outfits.
  • Frances Conroy's quirky character is the best thing of this season already.
  • Frances Conroy.