PIRATES 5 Gets A GIVER

Although you didn't see THE GIVER, so you have no idea who this kid is. 

The Pirates of the Caribbean films aren't just the adventures of over-the-top actors without limits cavorting through bloated setpieces, they're also the stories of bland leading men in love. That means Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales needs its own Zeppo Marx, and it just got one in the form of Brenton Thwaites. 

In case that name didn't give it away, Thwaites is a Brit, but he played an American in The Giver, a YA adaptation nobody really saw. He was fine in it. He'll be playing British in PIrates 5, specifically a British soldier named Henry. I imagine he'll get all tangled up in not only love but the endless, tedious backstabbing and reversals surrounding Jack Sparrow as he goes toe-to-toe with Captain Brand, a ghost seeking vengeance. That's the Javier Bardem role, by the way. 

I find my interest in the Pirates films to be completely business-oriented now: will people still come out to see these movies, which feel like they're past their cultural prime? Sure Pirates 4 made bank but it sucked, and often the stink of the prosperous previous piece of shit sticks to the new entry. That's why Fox never made a sequel to the profitable Tim Burton Planet of the Apes. Is there still a hunger for Jack Sparrow? What a tragedy it would be if this film were actually good but most people stayed away because the last one was so bad.

Except overseas, of course. This will make all the money overseas no matter what.

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