The New THE BLOB Will Explain The Blob

Oh good, an origin story for the fucking Blob. 

Heresy time: the original The Blob isn't that great! I grew up with it and loved it as a kid because I adored the creature and its methodology, but it's really Beware the Blob! that's fun, and it's the 1988 The Blob that is truly great. But you can't fuck with certain aspects of the original The Blob, like the idea that this monster is just some space shmutz that crash lands on Earth (and is also a metaphor for the Red Menace). I like that aspect of The Blob a lot - it's just this cosmic accident, a mindless thing that lands on Earth and consumes and consumes and consumes. I mean, there's your metaphor in this modern age of hyper-consumerism, right?

Not for Simon West, the profound hack who is directing the next remake of The Blob. No, for West the Blob needs to have agency... and an origin story. Oh, and it's going to be an invasion movie, he tells Den of Geek. Other thoughts from this low talent filmmaker:

My version of The Blob’s going to be more sci-fi….The blob itself will be more sophisticated, more along the lines of Alien and Predator and things like that – much more science-based, the way Jurassic Park made you believe you could bring back dinosaurs with a bit of DNA from a mosquito. This will be much more explained on where the blob comes from and how it works. It’ll be a much more sophisticated creature – because it is a monster movie rather than a horror in that sense.

I just can't imagine why anyone would look at The Blob and say "This needs more backstory!" Why would you need to fill in all these details? What a profound waste of a property. 

But here's the thing: this movie is destined to stink, no matter what. A huge part of why any iteration of The Blob works is because the monster is icky - it's an oozy gel. It's the kind of thing you pay a quarter to get out of a vending machine and put in your kid sister's hair. It's a universal ick thing that works on a visceral level. But any modern version of The Blob will have the title monster be CGI, removed all the tactile sliminess that makes The Blob The Blob. This is a pointless endeavour in 2015.