Earlier today, some of us blogger-types received an email announcing the DVD release of something called The Adventures Of Panda Warrior. I got as far as glancing at the first image in the email before deleting it. I mean, no. Come on, guys.
A little while later, an associate told me I should check out the Adventures Of Panda Warrior trailer. Curious as to why this stupid thing was on my radar for the second time in twenty minutes, I decided to give it a peek.
And within moments, I knew it was my duty to share it with all of you, post haste.
You guys. What. The. Fuck.
Here's some further information from the folks at Lionsgate (via email):
Get ready for nonstop fun with the family-friendly film The Adventures of Panda Warrior, arriving on DVD, Digital HD and On Demand August 2 from Lionsgate. Rob Schneider (Norm of the North), Haylie Duff (Napoleon Dynamite), Norm MacDonald (Grown Ups), Lauren Elizabeth (YouTube star “LoLuFullyLoaded”), and Tom Kenny (TV’s “SpongeBob SquarePants”) round out the all-star cast of brave warriors on a quest to save their kingdom. Awarded the DOVE Family Seal of Approval, The Adventures of Panda Warrior DVD will be available for the suggested retail price of $19.98.
That's it? That's the only explanation we're getting for this? Why does your movie look like a Dire Straits video, circa 1984? What sort of monster would coerce Norm MacDonald into a recording booth and make him say "Whoever has faith and courage is the true Panda Warrior of legend"? Why is no one mentioning Kung Fu Panda? Did Tim and Eric direct this movie? Because this shit looks exactly like The Pillgrums.
I have no answers to any of these questions. And quite frankly, the questions are only piling up. I hope you enjoyed this quick trip to the darkest corner of my inbox.
The Adventures Of Panda Warrior arrives on August 2nd (at the MSRP of $19.98).