This FIFTY SHADES DARKER Trailer Is So Goddamn Erotic You Won’t Even Be Able To Handle It

It's like a sexy, sex-filled volcano sexily erupting right in your stupid face.

The new Fifty Shades Darker trailer is here, and it's just as unbearably hot as you wanted it to be.

How scandalous is this trailer? We're talkin' shower sex. We're talkin' Eyes Wide Shut masks. We're talkin' sailboats. We're talkin' an overwrought cover of Beyonce's "Crazy In Love" performed by someone named Miguel. It's almost disgustingly arousing. 

Oh, come on. How are any of us supposed to get anything done today after being brought to the brink of climax by the white-hot chemistry being generated by Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson? I literally burst into a sweat just watching them stare vacantly at one another. 

I need a minute. Y'all check out this plot synopsis while I get myself under control:

When a wounded Christian Grey tries to entice a cautious Ana Steele back into his life, she demands a new arrangement before she will give him another chance. As the two begin to build trust and find stability, shadowy figures from Christian's past start to circle the couple, determined to destroy their hopes for a future together.

Folks, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: there is nothing hotter than two profoundly one-note characters building trust and finding stability with one another while dodging shadowy figures from their past who may or may not be determined to destroy their hopes of a future together. At the risk of getting too personal, I am at full mast.

Fifty Shades Darker arrives on February 10th, just in time to take your Valentine's Day up a notch.

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