There’s a story going ‘round regarding a Tweet from November 2014 written by Twitter handle @RaysFanGio. Mr. or Mrs. Gio (I don’t want to be gender biased in any way) predicted that the apocalypse would occur during Game Seven of a Cubs/Indians World Series that went into extra innings – a sick joke on both the people of Chicago and Cleveland (though to be honest, living in Cleveland seems like an awful punchline unto itself) that would deprive both cities of a Commissioner’s Trophy they’ve been missing for a combined 176 years. Anyone remotely invested in baseball or the current pop cultural Conversation™ knows that the Cubs won their first WS since 1908 in ten innings, and that the world did not end. But maybe it should have.
Yesterday, at 11:04 PT (which would place us roughly somewhere around the fifth inning of Game Seven), Variety reported that Bob Weinstein unveiled an “ambitious” slate of five films for TWC-Dimension – including a picture based on Hasbro’s Furby toy line. Standing in front of 100 buyers at the American Film Market, Weinstein stated that he was “rolling the dice and playing for hits” – a strange mixing of metaphors that nevertheless makes sense, but only when your lineup doesn’t include a project based on fuzzy figurines that resemble sex dolls Stripe and the rest of the recently transformed Gremlins would bring to a gangbang after swiftly scarfing a box of Popeye’s Extra Spicy at 12:05 AM.
“We think that this can resonate as a four-quadrant film,” said Stephen Davis, chief content officer of Hasbro, who declined to note whether or not he was tripping on peyote buttons during his brief stint at AFM. The movie apparently has a completed script by Daniel Persitz and Devon Kliger, whose respective credits included producing Ouija and writing Lalaloopsy Girls: Welcome to L.A.L.A. Prep School. Hasbro exec Josh Feldman joked that the project was “out to David Fincher” before fist bumping Davis, jumping onto his Big Wheel and immediately getting pulled over for DWI. Only the second half of that last sentence is a joke.
No release date, story synopsis or casting have been announced as of yet. In better news, the Cubs won, which made my Chicago-born and bred girlfriend super happy, thus ensuring I would engage in more sexual congress than anyone who gets excited by the prospect of this movie. The world continues to turn. Fuck Twitter.