Everybody Dies In First Teaser For THE MUMMY

Even Tom Cruise, somehow.

No one really wants a rebooted Universal Monster movie series, but hey, you put Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe in there, at least people will pay attention.

But it also helps if you have a good teaser, and this is definitely not it:

You can see where they’re trying to drum up interest by spending most of this teaser on a big, weird plane crash with lots of zero-G gymnastics and Tom Cruise’s voice-over double screaming bloody murder, but that immediately leads to the WTF bit where Cruise comes back from the dead for reasons the rest of the trailer fails to address, choosing instead to focus on Ms. Mummy and her ability to blow up buildings with big sand storms. I mean, that's the one interesting bit, and then they pretend it didn't happen.

Actually, plane hijinks and sand storms just remind me of the Mission: Impossible movies and how much I wish I were watching one of those right now instead of this. I mean, at least give us some dick swinging Russell Crowe action. We do get a shot of Tom Cruise running, but that’s nothing. He does that in every movie.

In any case, The Mummy comes out June 9 and is expected to kick off a new movie universe in ways not achieved by Dracula Untold or I, Frankenstein. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how that all works out, but I’m not optimistic.