WINCHESTER Trailer: Helen Mirren Isn’t Here For Your Ghost Nonsense

Jump Scare City, all in one wacky-ass house.

Winchester tells the true story of Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester gun manufacturing empire. After the loss of some family members, she begins to think ghosts of those killed by her family’s weapons have come back to haunt her.

So she does what any eccentric billionaire who made money off weapons would do: she builds an Iron Man suit. Except they didn’t have Iron Man suits back then, so she just builds a weird H.H. Holmes house to trap ghosts somehow. Jason Clarke shows up to roll his eyes and say “c’mon, lady”, and then all this happens:

As you can see, directors Michael Spierig and Peter Spierig did everything they could to capture what really happened in that house. Up to and including all the jump scares.

Look, this movie has only a few ways to get my vote. Number one is a very detailed, Wes Anderson-esque run-through of every goddamn room in this ghost house. If they just show a goofy house and one or two features, I’m starting an online petition. Two, Helen Mirren needs to beat the shit out of some ghosts. If she’s just a scared old lady the whole time, I’m starting an online petition. Three, this needs to be like 70 minutes long. If it’s 71 minutes long: online petition. Four, it needs to help me manage my various online petitions. If it calls me childish or tells me to do that work for myself, I’m going to start an online petition.

Gauntlet thrown, Winchester. Your move.

Winchester arrives February 2nd.