Apparently, re-editing The Last Jedi to remove its female characters and make its male characters more badass wasn’t enough.
Yes, disgruntled and out-of-their-minds Star Wars fans are pledging to straight-up remake The Last Jedi in their own image. They’re taking “pledges” from fans (that don’t require money to change hands; just a pledge) for this endeavour, which they assure already has the budget to get made anyway. They plan to keep the late Carrie Fisher in the film, somehow, and ensure that Luke Skywalker isn’t the galaxy-saving wimp he is in the existing movie. Furthermore, they promise to write the screenplay with input from fans worldwide, in the most collaborative writing project since the naming of Boaty McBoatFace. In that spirit of collaboration, Rian Johnson tweeted support for the project:
Now then. To business!
We could run a story about the prohibitive difficulty of raising the massive amounts of money and talent required to make such a film. We could run something about how it’s laughable to think Disney would ever be on board with it. How no visual effects house in the world would take on the job, or how no members of the cast would return. How writing by committee is approximately the worst way to put together a screenplay. How plenty of people, you know, liked The Last Jedi as it was - enough to earn it over $1.3 billion worldwide and inspire many about its vision and philosophy. Or even about how this whole plan is yet another desperate and pathetic result of entitled, often misogynistic fans believing only they know what’s right for a fictional universe.
We could do any of that, but instead, we at Birth.Movies.Death want to embrace the fan collaboration espoused by the remake project. BMD hereby pledges - in the non-binding fashion pioneered by this endeavour - to cover the entire cost of production and distribution of Star Wars: The Last Jedi: The Remake, as long as a few conditions are met.
- We want the movie to end with a biiiiiiiiiig explosion. Sky full of smoke.
- Let Chewbacca eat the Porg. It’s already dead.
- Luke isn’t some washed-up old man. He’s buff. Real buff. So buff, in fact, that he didn’t reject the Jedi Order - the Jedi Order rejected him for steroid abuse. Like, we should barely be able to see his eyes behind his muscular brows.
- Luke isn’t alone on that island. Lando’s there, and Wedge Antilles, and they’re buff too, and they all have a big muscular pool party every sundown.
- In the interests of saving money and preserving an authentic retro look, there will be no CGI in the film. Instead, all visual effects will be provided by NewTek’s Emmy Award-winning Video Toaster™.
- To demonstrate that he is the true Alpha Male of the Resistance, Poe will slam his fist on a table or wall and bellow “I’M IN CHARGE HERE!” at least once per scene. Furthermore, he will wear a thick, lustrous moustache (reference image below).
- Finn is replaced by Jar Jar Binks for a redemption arc, with no explanation given. Rose stays as she is.
- Stomeroni Starck gets a post-credits scene. He fucks.
- Ackbar still dies, but there’s an elaborate musical digression into Mon Calamari Heaven to give this character with like 5 lines the send-off he deserves.
- Rey will be revealed to be the perfect offspring of canonically lesbian couple Maz Kanata and Admiral Holdo. All three will have pink hair.
- Kylo Ren’s face will be replaced with a collage of every True Fan who contributes to the project. This will be achieved via NewTek’s Emmy Award-winning Video Toaster™.
- The Canto Bight subplot will be replaced by scenes that play out identically, except for being casually referred to as taking place on fan-favourite Expanded Universe planet Nar Shaddaa. Fans will be too excited about the reference to notice the scenes are the same.
- A porg must be visible in every shot, and the phrase #PorgNation must be uttered onscreen by a named character.
- In order to pad out the running time, scenes from 1979 porn parody Star Virgin must be spliced in at ten-minute intervals.
- The musical score must be composed and conducted by Metallica, in its original 1981 lineup.
- Luke has a double-bladed lightsaber that also shoots bullets. (We can't stress this enough: bullets, not blaster bolts. Preferably 9mm, but the calibre is open to negotiation.)
- The beach creature will not produce green milk, but - and this is very important - original-batch Hi-C Ecto-Cooler.
- While she flies through space, Leia gives a monologue questioning why Force-using characters didn’t do this to save themselves before. Due to the unavailability of Ms. Fisher, this will be accomplished via NewTek’s Emmy Award-winning Video Toaster™.
- Snoke gets cut in half, but then Darth Maul crawls out of him like a Russian nesting doll.
- Zack Snyder gets final cut.
We think these are pretty reasonable suggestions, and we look forward to talking to the team of producers these enterprising fans have assembled. This isn’t a joke, we’re ready to have the convo now!