As sure as the sun sets in the west, as sure as the sky is blue, as sure as scores of ridiculous man-children will spend today griping about the positive response to last night's Captain Marvel trailer, the occasion of a new Rian Johnson movie carries with it one absolute certainty: that Noah fucking Segan will be involved.
Segan, who you might recall from such other Rian Johnson joints as Brick, Looper, The Brothers Bloom, and the best episode of Breaking Bad, was once a semi-regular contributor to this site, but after his attention-getting turn in Star Wars: The Last Jedi (where he appeared as an overtly sexual and occasionally exploding pilot by the name of Stomeroni Starck) propelled him to superstardom, we have been unable to secure any meaningful scoops from Segan regarding his work with Johnson.
Frequent readers of the site will recall that this problem actually began before The Last Jedi's arrival, when Segan spent months and months refusing to tell us the name of the character he'd be playing in that film. Yes, despite having risen through the Hollywood ranks while being an unofficial-yet-always-welcome member of the BMD family, Segan very cowardly cited a "legally-binding NDA" when pushed to divulge secrets about The Last Jedi prior to its release, and now it appears he's up to his old goddamn tricks again.
Birth.Movies.Death. has exclusively confirmed that, yes, Noah Segan will appear in Rian Johnson's forthcoming crime thriller, Knives Out. The revelation comes on the heels of these photos being published in the MetroWest Daily News, one of which shows Segan filming a scene with The Invasion's Daniel Craig. When reached for comment about who he might be playing in the film, Segan again cited a non-disclosure agreement and attempted to claim that his "character name doesn't even matter" and that "it wouldn't mean anything" to us even if he were to tell us what it is.
Obviously, the only conclusion to be drawn here is that Noah Segan is reprising his role as The Last Jedi's Stomeroni Starck in Johnson's latest effort, and that Knives Out is actually some sort of back-door crossover film tying that galaxy far, far away to our own planet (oh, you think it's a coincidence that Craig also appeared in The Force Awakens as a Stormtrooper? Read a fucking book).
That Segan and Johnson thought they could keep this information secret from us - and, indeed, from you, the gentle BMD readers of the world - is, quite frankly, disgusting. Maybe some other movie blogs are cool with this sort of chicanery, but not BMD, a website which respects its readership enough to insist on nothing less than absolute truth and rock-solid investigative reporting.
Knives Out: A Star Wars Story does not yet have a firm release date, but is expected to hit theaters sometime next year. In the meantime, we'll be keeping our ear to the ground for further updates, and will keep you informed as they roll in. Stay tuned, and be safe out there.