Well, this is awkward.
According to multiple sources who spoke to Birth.Movies.Death. on the condition of anonymity, both Sam Saathoff (father of BMD managing editor Evan Saathoff) and Dan Wampler (father of BMD news editor Scott Wampler) are savagely duking it out for the same mystery role in Denis Villeneuve's forthcoming adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune. Believe it or not, these same sources tell us our dads have recently entered into a sixth round of auditions.
The news comes to us on the heels of yesterday's reveal that Aquaman star Jason Momoa would be joining the cast, which also includes Timothee Chalamet, Charlotte Rampling, Dave Bautista, Oscar Isaac, Rebecca Ferguson, Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem and Spider-Man: Homecoming's Zendaya. The entertainment world has already been shaken to its very core by the sheer star power of Dune's cast, but insiders suggest the hiring of either Sam Saathoff or Dan Wampler would elevate the entire production to "fucking god-level status".
For those unfamiliar with Sam Saathoff and/or Dan Wampler, here are two relatively recent photos of the actors, neither of whom have any actual acting credits to their name.
Sam "On The Swarm" Saathoff
Dan "Kid Showbiz" Wampler
Despite the fact that many, many Dune casting announcements have already been made, a tremendous number remain (there are, by our math, over 7,000 characters in Dune); it's virtually impossible to determine which character Sam Saathoff or Dan Wampler may be hired to play. One imagines, given both Saathoff and Wampler's infamous love of the outdoors and demonstrably rugged exteriors, that the character must be someone powerful, intimidating, perhaps even violent (were Bautista not already signed to play Dune's "Beast" Rabban, that's the role we'd have these dads pegged for), but obviously that's purely a bit of speculation on our end.
On a personal note, it must be said that this development has created some strain behind the scenes at Birth.Movies.Death. Both Evan and I wish to see our dads get their big, lucky break in a Denis Villeneuve movie, and we are of course both rooting for the "home team". And so, in the interest of full impartiality, it has been determined that any future casting news regarding Sam Saathoff or Dan Wampler's involvement in Denis Villeneuve's Dune will be handled by one of our more easily-impressionable contributing writers, preferably one wholly unfamiliar with Dune, Denis Villeneuve, Sam Saathoff and Dan Wampler. A tall order, to be sure, but one which we promise to see through in the name of journalistic integrity.
Stay tuned for further updates on Denis Villeneuve's Dune as they roll in.