A little while ago, I was minding my own business on Twitter when I stumbled across an article with a headline explicitly suggesting that the robots might fuck in the next Transformers movie. Well. As you can imagine, this was something I needed to know more about immediately: since time out of mind, I have longed for a Transformers film with the courage to show Optimus Prime's heaving, steel form sending up sparks as it noisily grinds against, I dunno, Starscream's rumbling chassis. I clicked through to learn why the Transformers were going to fuck, and how, and which of them might be doing the actual fucking.
Reader, what happened next...may surprise you.
As it turns out, the post-in-question was linking back to a recent Collider interview with Transformers producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura, which features the following pull-quote:
"One of the things I want to see, and I don’t know if we’ll do this particular thing, but I think we will eventually do a love story between Transformers. What does a love story mean? Definitely not sex, maybe not even kissing, but the idea that they would have that emotional crush has never really been brought in. That’s kind of the direction we’re going to try to head into, which is to give them human desires that, up until now, we haven’t seen much of. I think that will change the relationship with the Transformers. So we may do some wild action, we’ll do action for sure in the main line, but it’s a different kind of attempt. I know we will hold on to a lot of the lessons from Bumblebee."
Imagine, if you will, the crushing disappoint I felt upon learning the Transformers would not fuck. Imagine playing God like this, just snatching someone's dreams away from them so cruelly and without purpose. Everywhere I go, all people want to talk about is "When are these robots gonna start fucking?" and "Which Transformer do you think will be the best fucker?" and every last person who clicks on that post will be devastated to learn the cold, hard truth: the Transformers may develop crushes on one another, but they will definitely not be having sex. Y'know, it's times like these where I have to wonder why I even got into this game, or if I even like movies anymore. I just don't know.
Anyway, be safe out there, everyone. And look for the next Transformers movie to hit theaters, I dunno, somewhere up the road. A few years. They're doing a Bumblebee sequel and probably another one, apparently.