Listen. These X-Men movies aren't just about mutant superheroes in silly costumes saving the world from each other. These cinematic experiences offer profound explorations of the nature of humanity and the senseless conflicts derived from our differences; they are meditations on marginalized people and the necessary in-fighting that occurs on the righteous path to revolution – but also splat-go-kaboom-explodey-horse lips noise-pew pew pew!
But don't take my word for it. Behold, with thine eyeballs tainted by decades of digital trash, three minutes of the masterwork known as Dark Phoenix – the culmination (god willing) of, um, seven or some such movies and far too many years and studio dollars. Yes, three entire minutes from our third-most anticipated film of the week, in which Jennifer Lawrence – in character as Mystique – gives James McAvoy's Professor Charles Xavier the old what-for. The depths of his sighs are limitless; the contents of his whisky glass, not so much.
MORE LIKE X-WOMEN AMIRITE? We should just call this place Professor Zzzavier's School for Stupid Old Dum-Dums while we're at it. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and X-Men, but even then it'd just be a bunch of DUDES, ugh, get me off of this set already.
Lawrence's performance makes it so you can really feel Mystique's righteous anger here – the lone sliver of energy among an ensemble that is clearly dead inside and cannot be bothered to show the slightest bit of interest in whatever the hell sequel number this is, despite there presumably being signage all over set that reads "X-Men movies will continue until morale improves." I for one cannot wait until Jennifer Lawrence accepts the Oscar for this, her finest work yet: Pretending to give a shit about being in this X-Men movie while also maybe taking a dig at Professor X for being in a wheelchair? Readers, you are witnessing the launch of this year's most important Oscar campaign. Please, act (and react) accordingly. This is what comments sections were made for.