Here’s That FACE/OFF Remake You Didn’t Order

This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

Look. This news isn't going to be fun for most of you, but here it is: Paramount is developing a remake of Face/Off – as in the 1997 John Woo movie? Yes. Like, the one where Nic Cage and John Travolta swap actual face skins? The very same. And John Woo somehow manages to work his dove magic into a climactic actions sequence? Oh, indeed. Per Deadline, Paramount has enlisted Oren Uziel, whose credits include (checks notesThe Cloverfield Paradox and the Sonic the Hedgehog movie that was recently sent back to the farm for some fixin'. Neal Moritz (Fast & Furious) will produce the remake, which does not yet appear to have a director, but I'm not getting my hopes up in this economy. 

What we have here is a studio that is clearly (possibly willfully) misunderstanding the fundamental reasons why Face/Off is such a stone cold classic – and, despite the fact that your mom refers to it as "that face-swapping movie with Travolta," it's not because of the face-swapping. Even if it were a David Cronenberg movie, that would not be the case (see also: leg wound-fucking, Crash). Face/Off is the perfect storm of cinematic awesomeness: John Travolta, at the peak of his career. Nicolas Cage, at one of a few peaks in his career. A simple plot that allows both actors to subvert expectations and then fulfill them in the most bonkers way imaginable – it's Travolta doing Cage doing Travolta, and Cage doing Travolta doing Cage. And that's before we even get to John Woo. It is over the top but not obnoxiously gratuitous. It is pure cinema. Also, Alessandro Nivola is there and Nic Cage talks in a very pornographic drawl about eating peaches – so fuck off, Timothee Chalamet. (Actually, that's probably who they'll put in this thing.)