Good morning, EVAN SAATHOFF AND SCOTT WAMPLER,
If you're reading this, it means you've been successfully reinstated from your furloughed status (Est. Length: SIX  WEEKS) to reclaim your positions as IMPORTANT INTERNET CONTENT CREATORS. Per the request you filed shortly before your mandatory leave of absence, we have assembled the following document for you to refer to as you "get back in the swing of things" and "relearn the ropes"! You are very excited!
To begin, some notes on what may have changed in your absence:
- All movies are delayed now. All of them.
- If a movie goes directly to streaming, PANIC.
- Quibi is still not a thing you need to worry about.
- No one knows if TENET will actually open in July.
Furthermore, something STAR WARS-related may be happening today. Do not be scared. Something STAR WARS-related is usually happening. That's fun!
All news stories at BIRTH.MOVIES.DEATH. should follow a standard format:
- HEADLINE: Reel 'em in with something catchy!
- SUBHEADER: Use the joke you came up with for the headline that was too risque to feature in bigger font!
- OPENING PARA: Establish the basic facts of the story. Add one to three pithy jokes.
- BODY: Here's where you hit 'em with The News!
- Who, What, When, Where, Why, How and Why It's Bad
- Pull-quote from your source. Link back if they are not Deadline.
- COMMENTARY: Here's your moment to shine! Express your opinion through the prism of your chosen personality, arbitrarily choosing the angle YOU suspect will make the internet MORE/LESS ANGRY (VERY IMPORTANT).
- CLOSER: Bring it all home with a call to action: invite readers to weigh in on the debate YOU have very likely caused, then get MAD ABOUT IT when they follow your instructions!
NOTE: You may choose to rewrite the same closing paragraph (with very slight variations to the wording) on EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE. You will end up doing this naturally over time - almost as some sort of muscle memory type deal. This is VERY LAZY and NOT ADVISED because PEOPLE WILL NOTICE.
Working within the Online Movie Blogger Sector is a GREAT HONOR, and requires both deadly precision and a keen eye for detail. In the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, you will be called upon to regurgitate news stories from a wide variety of Hollywood trades (known in your industry as "The Trades"). Sometimes you will conduct interviews, or review films, or create the news yourself when there is no content to be had (See Page 73, "Making Shit Up For Clicks"), but for now, your focus should be on getting "back in the saddle" and reporting whatever news there is to be found. Stories will be few and far between right now thanks to THE ONGOING COVID-19 PANDEMIC, but we trust that you will make do with what you have, and will be ready for primetime by the end of your furlough date (MAY 4TH, 2020).
Good luck and Godspeed,
FINAL NOTE: Do not, under any circumstances, publish this document. Remember, when using the back end, that hitting your "Enter" key while in the wrong widget CAN AND WILL cause the page you are previewing to GO LIVE ON THE SITE. It is VERY IMPORTANT that you DO NOT let this document become available to the public. Thanks, and WELCOME BACK!