Film Crit Hulk Smash: HULK LOSES POLTERGEIST VIRGINITY

THERE’S THIS INCREDIBLE FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE NEW AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE KNOWN THEM YOUR WHOLE LIFE. BEYOND THE FACT THAT YOU NOW SHARE A SET OF REFERENCE POINTS, THERE'S SOMETHING SO MUCH MORE INTRINSIC. THEY'RE NOT JUST AWESOME, KIND OR FUNNY. IT'S THAT THEIR SENSIBLITIES AND PERSONALITY SO LINE UP WITH YOUR OWN THAT YOU FEEL IT IN YOUR BONES. IT'S OUTRIGHT CHEMICAL. SOMETIMES YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS PERSON AT ALL. SOMETIMES YOU'VE HEARD A MILLION THINGS ABOUT THEM BEFOREHAND. BUT THERE IS NO DENYING IT WHEN IT HAPPENS, AND YOU WONDER HOW YOU'VE EVER, EVER GOT BY IN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THEM.

SHIFTING THE METPHOR, HULK SAW POLTERGEIST FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS PAST WEEKEND.

BIG SURPRISE, IT WAS AMAZING.

QUESTION #1 – WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK, HULK?

OK, THAT'S A VALID QUESTION. AFTER ALL, WHO HASN'T SEEN POLTERGEIST? WELL, HULK HADN'T. THIS IS CONSIDERED A GRAVE OFFENSE TO MANY, BUT HULK SUSPECTS THAT'S BECAUSE THE FILM FITS INTO THAT SPECIAL BRAND OF 80'S HIT THAT DEFINED SO MANY PEOPLE'S YOUNGER LIVES, SO IT IS AS IF HULK HAS LOST OUT ON SEMINAL EXPERIENCE. IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE OR ANYTHING. THE SET OF CONDITIONS THAT LED TO HULK'S MISSING THE MOVIE ARE ALMOST COMICAL, INCLUDING HULK'S FRIEND'S MOM MRS. R, A HYPER-RELIGIOUS ZEALOT, FLYING INTO A RAGE WHEN WE WERE ABOUT TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH IT ON VHS BECAUSE IT WAS QUITE CLEARLY "A MOVIE ABOUT GHOSTS."... NO SHIT, MRS. R.

EVENTUALLY IT GOT TO A POINT WHERE IT WAS JUST "THAT HUGE, IMPORTANT MOVIE HULK'S NEVER SEEN." AND THUS THE CONDITIONS FOR WHICH HULK WOULD HAVE TO SEE IT WOULD HAVE TO BE PERFECT IN ORDER TO ACCOMPANY THE BUILD-UP. IT ABSOLUTELY NEEDED TO BE BIG SCREEN. A GREAT 35 MM PRINT. A GREAT AUDIENCE. THESE THINGS WERE PARAMOUNT TO A GREAT VIEW. AND THEN THE STARS FINALLY ALIGNED: ALAMO LAUNCHED THEIR SUMMER OF '82 SERIES AND THE AUSTIN SCREENING WAS SCHEDULED THE SAME WEEKEND AS BADASS' OWN DEVIN HOSTING WRATH OF KHAN. THE PAIRING OBVIOUSLY MAKES FOR A GREAT WEEKEND AT THE MOVIES, SO HULK DID THE ONLY SENSIBLE THING:

HULK FLEW RIGHT THE FUCK OUT TO AUSTIN.

QUESTION #2 - … SO, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

THE FILM IS, OF COURSE, FANTASTIC.

FAR BEYOND THE MYTHOLOGY (YEAH, SPIELBERG REALLY DIRECTED THIS MOVIE) AND THE FALLOUT (THE SO-CALLED POLTERGEIST CURSE, WHICH WE WILL RIGHTFULLY IGNORE FOR ALL REASONS OF VALIDITY/SANITY/HUMANITY), THE FILM IS JUST A SPECIAL THING IN AND OF ITSELF.

ONE OF THE THINGS HULK LOVES ABOUT EARLY SPIELBERG IS THE SENSE OF LOOSENESS MIXED WITH UTTER, MASTER-LIKE CONTROL OF THE PACE AND EDIT. HE LOVED THE WAY KIDS WOULD CAUSE HAVOC ON SCREEN AND HE COULD IMMEDIATELY SEGUE THAT CHAOTIC, ORGANIC ENERGY INTO A PERFECT JUMP SCARE OR REVEAL. IT'S STRANGE HOW HE NEVER SEEMED TO MAKE TOO MUCH USE OF CLASSIC HORROR TENSION, STUFF LIKE BUILDING ATMOSPHERE TO THE SLOW SCARE OR EMPLOYING LEWTON'S BUS TACTICS. IT'S ALMOST AS IF HE'S NEVER INTERESTED IN EXACTING SCIENCE OF CINEMATIC CONTROL. HE'S MORE THE UNWEILDY MAGICIAN. HE MORE WANTS TO BALANCE THE TIMING OF ALL RAW ENERGY IN PLAY. HE'S RUNNING AROUND SPINNING DISHES. AND HE SUCCEEDS BECAUSE HE SO INTRINSICALLY UNDERSTANDS THE VALUE OF VISUAL A, B, C STORYTELLING AND HAMMERS HOME HIS BIG "MOMENTS" WITH ASSUREDNESS. THE END RESULT IS (WHAT SOME MAY CALL A CLICHÉ WAY OF PUTTING IT) A CINEMA THAT FEELS TRULY ALIVE. YOU MUST KNOW WHAT HULK MEANS BY THIS. THE ENERGY OF EARLY SPIELBERG JUST CRACKLES OUT OF EVERY SHOT. AND NEVER WAS THIS ASSURED SENSIBILITY MORE PRESENT THAN WHEN HULK SAT DOWN TO WATCH POLTERGEIST. OF COURSE, COULD THERE BE ANY BETTER SENSIBILITY FOR A HORROR FILM WHERE THE HOUSE/ENVIRONMMENT IS ESSENTIALLY PLAYING ITS OWN CHARACTER?

BEYOND THE SPOOK-A-BLAST ELEMENTS AND DYNAMO FILMMAKING, THERE'S AN ARRAY OF PUNY HUMANS WHO POPULATE THIS FILM AND REALLY MANAGE TO TURN IT INTO SOMETHING SPECIAL. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO START WITH JOBETH WILLIAMS, WHO IN HULK'S BRAIN USED TO POPULATE THE LANDS OF KRAMER VS. KRAMER AND THE BIG CHILL, BUT SUDDENLY SHE TAKES ON THIS WHOLE OTHER LIFE IN THIS FILM. SHE'S AT ONCE BEAUTIFUL, MATERNAL AND EVEN SEXY AT TIMES (ONE WONDERS AT HOOPER INFLUENCE), BUT THESE QUALITIES ALLOW HER HEROICS TO TAKE ON A GROUNDED, TANGIBLE QUALITY. EVERY MOMENT OF HER PERFORMANCE COMES ACROSS SO STRONG.

AND IF SHE'S THE ANCHOR FOR THIS SUCKER, IT TAKES A SPECIAL KIND OF ACTOR TO COUNTER THAT. LUCKILY, THERE'S CRAIG T. NELSON. EVERYTIME HULK SEES NELSON IN SOMETHING HULK REMEMBERS JUST HOW MUCH HULK LIKES HIM. IT MAY SOUND CRITICAL TO THINK OF HIM AS BEING A "TV PERSONALITY," BUT AS THAT'S WHERE HE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF HIS TIME IN A FEW GOOD, BUT NON-SEMINAL ROLES. AND IN THIS FILM HULK WAS STRUCK BY JUST HOW WELL NELSON COMES ACROSS AS THIS LEADING MAN. HULK CAN'T QUITE ARTICULATE IT, BUT HE JUST SEEMED SO AT HOME UP THERE ON THE SILVER SCREEN. HE'S A PERFECT MIX OF STRONG AND SUPPORTIVE, HAUNTED AND DISTRAUGHT. AND WITH JOBETH WILLIAMS TOGETHER THEY MAKE ONE OF THE BETTER ON-SCREEN MARRIED COUPLES HULK CAN THINK OF. BUT BECAUSE HULK FOUND HIM SO STRIKING, HULK NOW WONDERING A MILLION "WHAT-IF'S?" REGARDING HIS CINEMATIC CAREER. LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY: TO HULK, EARLY NELSON READS LIKE COSTNER WITHOUT THE OCCASIONAL SMARM AND SELF-IMPORTANCE.

BUT REALLY, THE GREAT ROLES ARE EVERYWHERE. THERE IS OF COURSE LEGENDARY CUTENESS OF HEATHER O'ROURKE, WHOSE CENTRAL IMAGE WAS ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS HULK ALREADY KNEW GOING INTO THE FILM. BUT EVEN THE OTHER TWO CHILDREN, WHO ARE OFTEN JOKED ABOUT FOR THEIR LACK OF SIGNIFICANCE AS THEY OFTEN GET SENT AWAY TIME AND TIME AGAIN, ARE SOMEHOW ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL. EVEN IF THEY DISAPPEAR TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE PARANORMAL TEAM, THEY UNDOUBTEDLY ADD SOMETHING TO THE TEXTURE, FUNCTION AND WORLD OF THE FILM. OH AND THE PARANORMAL TEAM IS EQUALLY FANTASTIC WHEN THEY ARRIVE. IT'S SO FUNNY TO WATCH THE FILM ACCOMPLISH WITH 1982 TECH SETTINGS WHAT HULK FEELS LIKE A MILLION COPYCATS HAVE FAILED AT IN THE RESULTING THIRTY YEARS: A SENSE OF WEIGHT AND CONSEQUENCE WITHOUT DIPPING INTO CONTRIVANCE. AND LASTLY, IT'S ALWAYS A FUN THING TO HEAR AN AUDIENCE ERUPT INTO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE FOR A CHARACTER, AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED THE MOMENT ZELDA RUBINSTEIN ARRIVED ON SCREEN.

DID HULK KNOW WHY THAT APPLAUSE WAS GIVEN? NO. BUT HULK WOULD SOON LEARN WHY TEN-TIMES-OVER. SHE PRACTICALLY RULES THE SCREEN WITH HER WONDERFULLY DISTINCT VOICE AND CHERUBIC OTHERNESS. FOR HULK, WATCHING IT THIRTY YEARS LATER WITHOUT EVEN A HINT OF AWARENESS BEFOREHAND WAS LIKE GETTING TO TIME-TRAVEL TO THE BIRTH OF ICONICISM.

AND THAT'S APT WAY OF DESCRIBING HOW HULK FELT WATCHING THE ENTIRE FILM.

QUESTION #3 - … NOW WHAT?

AND SO NOW HULK HAS THAT LITTLE MISSING PIECE OF POP-CULTURE FIRMLY ENTRENCHED IN HULK'S BRAIN. A HUNDRED SIMPSONS REFERENCES SUDDENLY MAKE TOTAL SENSE, AS DO THE LITANY OF KNOCK-OFFS AND MOVIES MADE IN POLTERGEIST'S FALLOUT. THE FILM IS ITS OWN EPICENTER OF INFLUENCE.

AND FOR ALL THE HYSTERICS, HULK JUST WANTS TO SAY THAT IT'S COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE HOW WE ALL MISS SEEING CLASSIC FILMS. WE HAVE CINEMATIC GAPS IN OUR LIVES AND THAT IS SIMPLY A FACET OF THERE BEING THOUSANDS OF GREAT MOVIES MADE IN THE LAST 110 YEARS. YOU CAN BE SHOCKED THAT HULK NEVER SAW POLTERGEIST PRIOR TO THIS WEEKEND, AND HECK, HULK STILL HASN'T EVER SEEN MIDNIGHT RUN OR FRITZ LANG'S M. BUT LIKEWISE HULK COULD BE SHOCKED IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, ALL THAT JAZZ, PANDORA'S BOX, HAPPY GO LUCKY, SUPERCOP, THE IRON GIANT, AN AFFAIR OF LOVE, LANDSCAPE IN THE MIST, ASHES AND DIAMONDS, TWO LANE BLACKTOP OR ANY NUMBER OF FILMS THAT MAKE UP HULK'S FAVORITE CLASSICS. WE ALL HAVE THIS INCLINATION TO CHIDE AT SOMEONE'S LIST OF UNSEENS WITH AN EXTENDED SENTIMENT OF "YEAH, BUT THE MOVIE I LIKE IS THE ONE THAT IT WAS ABSURD TO MISS!" WHY SHAME PEOPLE? IT'S A FALSE LINE OF LOGIC. HULK HAS SEEN THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF CLASSIC FILMS, BUT THE LIST IS SIMPLY TOO BIG TO SEE EVERYTHING. HULK THINKS WE HAVE TO STOP BEING SHOCKED FOR EACH OTHER. ESPECIALLY WHEN SHOCK AND DISMISSAL CAN BE REPLACED WITH THE SHEER JOY OF SHARING A TRULY GREAT MOVIE.

BECAUSE IF WE DO THAT, THEN EVERY ONCE AND AWHILE WE MIGHT GET LUCKY. WE MIGHT FIND THAT SPECIAL PLACE IN CINEMATIC NIRVANA WHERE WE MEET "SOMEONE" WE FEEL LIKE WE'VE KNOWN OUR ENTIRE LIVES.