BIRTH.VIDEO.DEATH.: Rian Johnson Reveals THE LAST JEDI: THE STOMERONI CUT

In a new and highly exclusive interview with Birth.Movies.Death., Star Wars: The Last Jedi director Rian Johnson makes a bombshell announcement, one which should shake the Star Wars fanbase to its very foundations.

According to Johnson, an alternate cut of The Last Jedi exists, one which focuses more heavily on Stomeroni Starck, the fan-favorite character played by frequent Rian Johnson muse (and infrequent BMD contributor) Noah Segan. 

That's right. The rumors were true. 

This devastating report was written, performed and produced by the Alamo Drafthouse's John Smith, who was tragically executed in his home earlier today by a small team of well-armed mercenaries dressed as Stormtroopers. He will be missed, but his work will live on, both in the video above and in the #ReleaseTheStomeroniStarckCutPlease movement, which - as of this writing - has gained zero traction on social media. 

Obviously, there's much to unpack here and plenty of work to be done, but we trust that the Birth.Movies.Death. readership will do whatever's necessary to ensure the release of The Stomeroni Cut, up to and including renting billboard space in Times Square and collecting dozens of signatures across multiple online petitions. Do let us know how that turns out, as we'd really like to see this thing. 

Meanwhile, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker hits theaters this week. Stomeroni Starck isn't even in it.