The Week In Fake Movie News: Comic Con Edition
This week, all the fake movie news occurred at the San Diego Comic-Con held in the beautiful Hall H Building…
Prometheus Panel:
*Right now two versions of Prometheus are being prepared: a PG-13 version and an R-rated version. Furthermore, by the time the film comes out, it might actually be called Alien: Prometheus Rising. There is also talk of including a cartoon cat voiced by Ken Jeong.
*Ridley Scott has totally flipped for filming in 3D, even going so far as saying he’ll never film 2D again. If true, this means Ridley will leave the world the same way he entered it: related to Tony Scott.
*Audiences were enchanted by the footage which featured call backs to Alien such as Facehugger eggs and droids. Of particular interest was a moment where one droid, played by Michael Fassbender, was seen shedding a tear.
As if that weren’t enough, the shot was followed with another droid, this one played by Mark Strong, also shedding a tear. Then, at the height of audience excitement, droids played by both Ian Holm and Lance Hendrickson were shown hugging each other while weepingly openly.
DC Comics Panel:
*DC Comics came to the stage to noticeably less applause than in previous years. Things only got worse once he began spilling bad news all over Hall H.
*The new Superman will not come out for another two years due to problems with the script, star, director, and concept. Now it will be a movie about a boy from Krypton who makes his own red, white & and blue metal suit with the help of a special cosmic hammer.
*In effort to raise audience spirits, DC Comics had Ryan Reynolds come on stage to recite the Green Lantern Oath. The audiences had mere moments to stop laughing at Reynolds before DC Comics revealed there’d actually be a Green Lantern sequel. Some heavier attendees needed medical assistance after the laugh that provided.
*It was finally confirmed that the largely disappointing Dark Knight Returns trailer is very reflective of the finished film, which will be 98% flashback. When fans started booing DC Comics simply repeated, “At least we’re not ripping off some gay videogame!” over and over again. The crowd then pulled him apart like that guy in Shaun of the Dead.
Dexter Panel:*Dexter will deal with religion this season. Perhaps even trying to kill Satan.
*He will also start saving nunneries and orphanages from greedy slumlords by organizing “Fun runs” and “BBQs” and also killing the slumlords, while telling us, via voiceover, that he’s killing a slumlord.
*Colin Hanks is really excited about this season because it will feature a lot of stuff not seen in previous seasons.
*It’s been confirmed that neither Dexter’s sister nor any of his cop buddies will catch him this year.
*Showtime Tony Soprano and Showtime Jennifer Lopez will still be on the show and they’ll still be a couple, simply because they’re everyone’s favorite characters and that’s everyone’s favorite plotline.
Spiderman Panel:
*Andrew Garfield wowed audiences by appearing in a makeshift Spiderman costume and proving he really understand the Spiderman character by repeating “With great power comes great responsibility” over and over again. Then when that was all done, he recited the Green Lantern Oath.
*Garfield laid concerns about the recently released trailer to rest by claiming it did not reflect the finished film’s tone. According to Garfield, a new, better trailer will be appearing online soon, though “it will not reflect the finished film either.” See, trailers have to be cut for all-ages audiences, and The Amazing Spiderman is a porno.
Tintin Panel:
*Responding to an audience question, Peter Jackson admitted he’d love to go back to low budget horror some time down the road.
*Responding to an audience question, Steven Spielberg admitted he had an idea for a fourth Jurassic Park movie.
*Responding to an audience question, both Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson just started pretending people were asking questions about Tintin.
Avengers Panel:
*Crowds went wild as posters representing every Avenger were placed in chairs on stage in Hall H. The posters revealed that every character who already had their own film looks exactly the same when collected together, though Captain America’s costume is slightly different and Hawkman hasn’t really been seen yet. He has short hair.
*Everyone held their breath as the lights went down for a preview of the film. The footage shown was simply a series of clips from each Avenger’s movie, including that tiny Hawkman scene from Thor. At this point, audience enthusiasm began to sour.
*Quickly, producers shoved a bewildered Andrew Garfield onstage. Thinking this a huge announcement about Spiderman’s involvement with the team, the audience leapt to their feet, screaming. Sensing the power to tell a pleasing lie vs the responsibility to tell a harsh truth, Garfield told the audience he was in no way involved with The Avengers, and they pulled him apart like that guy from Shaun of the Dead.
In Memoriam (SDCC Edition):
Andrew Garfield was brutally slain at this year’s San Diego Comic-Con at the hands of disgruntled fans. Along with the newest iteration of Spider Man, he was also in The Social Network, which most people claim was pretty good. Nevertheless, he will be buried in the “Almost Actors” sector of Hollywood Cemeteries along with other almost actors tragically cut short such as James Dean and Charles Rocket.
It was a particularly violent comic-con this year as ancient entertainer DC Comics was also brutally slain by fans upset about his Batnews. Though some will call the death tragic, many others have already taken the stance that DC Comics was too long for this world as it was, as could be seen by his recent editorial decisions. The details of his death are better left unmemorized as they are likely to be retroactively rebooted in six months time.
