Schwarzenegger Vs Stallone
1980s action cinema was lousy with Dukes, Princes, and Ambassadors, but there were only two kings: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. Both were self-made men with funny voices whose careers defined the decade (also, both made bad films with Walter Hill!). And any time you have two comparable people together, the urge to see them fight is natural. So let’s weigh these two titans and see what we see.
EARLY WORK
When it comes to early, blink-and-you’ll-miss-them Hollywood roles, both Stallone and Schwarzenegger have stellar entries. Stallone appears briefly in Woody Allen’s Bananas, while a mustached Schwarzenegger silently strips to his undies in Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye.
That’d be an easy win for Schwarzenegger, but it gets more complicated when we add significant early roles into the mix. While Schwarzenegger got to play Hercules and has the remarkable Looney Tunes pastiche The Villain, Stallone blows all that out of the water with his hilariously unhinged performance in the great Death Race 2000.
So I’m essentially weighing The Long Goodbye against Death Race 2000, two of my favorite movies ever. Considering the size of the roles each have in those films, I’m giving this one to Stallone.
Winner: Stallone
EARLY WEINER WORK
If you’re inclined to Google celebrity weiners, both Stallone and Schwarzenegger have you covered. Stallone’s comes via a porno he starred in called The Party at Kitty and Stud’s. Schwarzenegger’s is from a photo shoot. You could argue that one is intended to be something along the lines of art while the other is just plain old smut. On the other hand, young Schwarzenegger has a picture out there of a naked lady sitting on his shoulders, which is significantly less artful. For generously walking in both worlds, I’m going to give it to Schwarzenegger.
Winner: Schwarzenegger
BREAKOUT ROLES
This requires comparing Rocky to Conan the Barbarian. And while Conan is a mean, take-no-prisoners sword and sandal epic that perfectly marries character and actor, how could I not give this to Rocky? Not only is it one of the great American movies, it was a meal ticket Stallone carved himself to escape obscurity, thus making it a moving story both on and offscreen. Much as I love Conan, it’s no contest.
Winner: Stallone
HEYDAY
Now things get really exciting. After Conan, Schwarzenegger went on an amazing roll. The Terminator, Commando, Predator, The Running Man, Twins, Red Heat, Total Recall, Kindergarten Cop, and finally Terminator 2: Judgement Day in 1991. These films vary in quality for sure (I’m really not a big Commando or Red Heat fan, for instance), but all are remembered or noteworthy for one reason or another. A couple are stone cold classics. Schwarzenegger’s heat didn’t really die down until 1993’s Last Action Hero, and that’s honestly one of his most interesting films.
Things weren’t as easy for Stallone. After Rocky, it wasn’t yet clear what kind of creative force he was going to be, something very apparent in his streetwise drama, Paradise Alley. The real ‘80s Stallone didn’t start to take form until the cartoonish Rocky III, but even then he next came out with the melancholy and dramatic First Blood.
While Schwarzenegger took off almost immediately, Stallone’s real heyday didn’t arrive until the late ‘80s with films like Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rocky IV, Cobra, Rambo III, and Tango & Cash. He hit a large speed bump with Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, but briefly rebounded with Cliffhanger and Demolition Man before suffering a sustained downward spiral beginning with stuff like The Specialist and Judge Dredd.
I love Stallone, but the majority of these films are awful. Tango & Cash has a lot of goofy charm. Cobra is very special, for lack of a better term. Demolition Man gets better and better with time. But the axiom with Stallone is that he only makes great movies when he has something to prove. Prime Stallone is kind of an oxymoron. Schwarzenegger wins this one.
Winner: Schwarzenegger
THE FALLOW PERIOD
Schwarzenegger and Stallone kept trying to make things work after losing their day in the sun, but neither quite got there. Both had highlights, however. Stallone has Copland, an amazing Saturday Night Live appearance, and an underrated voice-acting performance opposite Woody Allen (full circle!) in Antz. On the other hand, Schwarzenegger was the damn governor of California. That’s amazing and has to count as a win.
Winner: Schwarzenegger
OLD MAN WORK
One day, Sylvester Stallone woke up, said “Fuck it” and directed Rocky Balboa and Rambo, two of his career’s best films. Both were hits. Then he… made three Expendables movies. But then he… starred in Creed and got an Academy Award nomination. Between all that, he “acted” in mediocre films like Escape Plan and Bullet to the Head, along with the truly embarrassing Grudge Match. The last decade has been a perfect encapsulation of Stallone’s frustrating ability to be both amazing and awful from one project to the next.
Schwarzenegger’s old man era is a lot simpler. Instead of taking creative roles in his films, he just picks them and acts. And they’ve mostly been great! His starring roles, particularly The Last Stand, Sabotage, and Maggie, are for interesting films that task Schwarzenegger with playing real characters and actually acting. His only real disaster was his unfortunate return to the Terminator franchise. But even then, you can tell he’s giving it his best shot.
This era is especially interesting because Stallone and Schwarzenegger actually collaborate. Schwarzenegger’s Expendables appearances don’t add up to much, but they’re still fun. Meanwhile, Stallone just walks through those films assuming looking tough will do the job. This contrast is much more explicit in Escape Plan, which is an absolute blast from a Schwarzenegger perspective but a dour bore for Stallone.
It’s really a question of whether Stallone’s highs can outweigh his lows enough to beat Schwarzenegger’s mostly consistent swings at becoming an interesting character actor. I think they do, especially considering all the writing and directing Stallone did here, but it’s a very tough call.
Winner: Stallone
WHO COULD KICK WHOSE ASS
At any time, during any era, I belive this goes to Schwarzenegger.
Winner: Schwarzenegger
WHO COULD CHARM A LADY OVER A GLASS OF RED WINE AND CONVERSATION ABOUT PROUST
I don't think Schwarzenegger is dumb by any means, but this one goes to Stallone.
Winner: Stallone
WHO I'D RATHER HAVE A BEER WITH
This one's easy.
Winner: Schwarzenegger
IF THEY MATED
I believe Stallone's genes would be the most recognizably dominant.
Winner: Stallone
So, it’s a tie. That’s probably very frustrating, but keep in mind that this is an inherently stupid exercise that doesn’t matter at all. The real value here is seeing how many similarities these guys shared despite being two very different people. And of course, neither Sylvester Stallone nor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s stories have ended at this time. We could still have a clear winner in the future.
