XXX: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE Review: Just As Awesome And Stupid As You Hoped

The first xXx movie was a dumb film that mistakenly thought it was cool. The newest one is a cool movie that knows its dumb. That minor distinction makes all the difference in the world.

Trailers only really set you up for what to expect with this one. Surfing with motorcycles and skiing through jungles are pretty big statements, but the way this movie includes that spirit of lunacy in even its exposition scenes is where it really shines. This becomes apparent immediately as Samuel L. Jackson opens the film just yelling directly at us only to get interrupted by an explosion (btw, it’s later revealed this opener makes no fucking sense at all, and I love it).

Our re-introduction to Vin Diesel’s Xander Cage includes an extended bit where he skateboards down a car-filled mountain street (with a stolen satellite-thingy so all his neighborhood pals can watch a soccer game). In a normally dumb movie like, say the Point Break remake, the film would be satisfied with the event itself. xXx’s not having that weak shit. Cage skateboards on a xXx-branded skateboard and flips around like an asshole just to give drivers high-fives. It is this close to Batman and Robin. Actually no, Return of Xander Cage is MacGruber if all the badasses from the beginning got to live. The only thing keeping this from being full-on farce is the lack of subtitles for Vin Diesel (something that would have helped now and then).

Those other badasses are where this film shines. I think we can finally put to rest any idea that Vin Diesel doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s learned some lessons from The Fast and The Furious’ revamped success and applies them here with gusto. Diesel may be the star, but it’s all about the team. Not only that, but the team is extraordinarily progressive. Heck, there's even a cool car.

Cage’s initial crew includes Ruby Rose as a lesbian (I’m pretty sure) sharpshooter who we meet as she wounds rich assholes on a lion safari. Next is Rory McCann as a guy who really likes to crash cars. He doesn’t seem to be good at anything - he just likes crashing cars (and boats). Next is Kris Wu as a guy whose superpower - I shit you not - is to distract bad guys by being an awesome DJ.

They run afoul of a group of other xXx folks. Their specialties are more generic, asskicking-wise. Deepika Padukone plays a love interest, though maybe not to Vin Diesel. Michael Bisping is thuggish, and never quite gets his big scene. Tony Jaa acts hyper and jumps over things.

But then there’s Donnie Yen, the film’s true star. He gets way more screen time than expected and shines throughout all of it. Just like with Rogue One, Yen walks away with this film. Physically and as an actor (in English, no less), he’s just head and shoulders above everyone. He gives the film its best straight-up action and also its heart. I've seen Yen in so many movies now, and he keeps surprising me.

But of course, it all comes back to Vin Diesel. His Xander Cage is quite a bit different than his dour Dom Toretto. Cage is a smirking smartass, full of stupid one-liners and sassy bon mots. This approach didn’t work with the first xXx film because it made him look arrogant in the face of stupidity. Here the stupidity is a far more carefully integrated part of the DNA and it works. I might actually prefer him in this role if they could just figure out a way to work in the gay stuff.

By the time we get the hero shot of the whole gang together, it’s clear Vin Diesel’s accomplished in three movies pretty much what Fast and Furious took five to achieve. I never liked this series and now I’m desperate for more of it. I want to see this immaculate crew go on more insane adventures and grow as a family. Judging by how xXx ends, the film wants that as well. We should be so lucky.

There are problems all over the place, but as soon as you start nitpicking them you unravel the entire point of this film. If you can keep from doing that, you will be rewarded with an amazing party in which Vin Diesel actually fucks an entire room full of women to get information. I loved every dumb minute of xXx: Return of Xander Cage. If all bad movies were this good I’d be the happiest person on earth.